This Week's Wacks

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January 18th, 2008

For the first time in anyone's memory, it snowed in Baghdad! There was even a reported sighting of Frosty the bin Laden.
There must have been some magic in that old army helmet they found.

The freak snowstorm caused quite a bit of havoc to the morning commute in Baghdad. Everything slowed down to... well, what it was like yesterday.

Hillary Clinton has enlisted the help of long-time advertising guru Roy Spence to help with her campaign. He originated the phrases, "Don't mess with Texas" and "You are now free to move about the country." That explains Hillary's new slogan: "The country is a mess, move away from Texas."

One of Sylvester Stallone's former flames is claiming the actor used steroids. Well, there goes his chances of getting into the hall of fame.

I think the fact he didn't use any human growth hormone is pretty obvious.

Sir Edmund Hillary -- the first man to conquer Mount Everest -- has died at age 88. This is one Hillary who won't be making a comeback.

Hillary Clinton has said that Barrack Obama's presidential campaign is "no fairy tale." Three bears, a couple of Billy goats and a gal with really long hair in a tower agreed.

Nicole Richie gave birth to a baby girl over the weekend. 6-pounds, 7-ounces, in case you're wondering. The baby weighed slightly less.

There was a close moment when Nicole almost lost her daughter. While the baby was in the nursery, Angelina Jolie and Madonna both tried to adopt her.

According to a new survey, 11 percent of all Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States on a map of the world. And half of those said, "It's on the world?"

General Motors says they're working on a driver-less car. Isn't Britney already doing that? With Britney's latest appearance Monday, Britney has now been courtside this year more than Jack Nicholson and Billy Crystal combined!

Down in Stephenville, Texas, over a dozen people reported seeing a UFO flying in the sky. They only thing they knew it wasn't for sure was President Bush's approval ratings. After all, they were looking up.

The Smurfs turn 50 this year. I hear they're celebrating by going to Vegas and watching the Blue Man group. Well, most of them. Some will just stay home and watch a few blue movies.

A court ruled Monday that Britney Spears has to stay away from the kids. Legally, this is known as a "Michael Jackson" ruling.

Bill Clinton has been campaigning down in Nevada the past few days. Must be gambling a little bit, because I hear he's doing quite well with the slots. At least, that's what I thought they said.

At a campaign rally, Mike Huckabee said that a crying baby in the crowd must have been for Mitt Romney. The baby was just interested in any candidate that promised change... especially for his diaper.

Johnny Depp made a huge contribution to the London hospital that saved his daughter's life last summer. It was in doubloons and pieces of 8.

Ron Wood of the Rolling Stones is recovering from hernia surgery. While drunk, he attempted to lift Mick Jagger's ego and... well, who couldn't see THAT coming?

Fidel Castro said on Wednesday that he's too unhealthy to speak. Isn't that like being too tired to sleep?

The ACLU is suggesting that sex in bathrooms should be a protected right. I'm sure that's what our forefathers had in mind, when they went to the little forefather's room.

Call me crazy, but sex in a bathroom has never really appealed to me. I'm barely O.K. with going to the bathroom in the bathroom. 

Scientists have invented a computer that they say can translate dog barks. It turns out, all this time, they've really just been saying, "Woof. Woof. Woof."

Rumor is that David Spade fathered a child with a Playboy bunny. Or maybe it was an actual bunny. You know how rumors can be...

The FDA has certified cloned meat safe to eat. That's good news. Now, if you look at one animal and feel bad for it, then you just eat the clone.

You know, we could cut out a lot of steps here if we just figure out a way to clone hot wings.

Archaeologists have found the remains of a 40-million-year-old giant rodent. If it's that big, seems kinda strange it took 'em that long to find it.

So I guess this means "The Nutcracker" could be based on a true story.


   1. She kept calling him "Donkey"
   2. When he yelled "I love you" at her, she didn't always yell it back
   3. Someone told him Britney was available
   4. He was for the Cowboys, she was for the Giants
   5. He had two weeks in the pool
                                       LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?