This Week's Wacks

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February 1st, 2008

An American scientist says he's on the verge of creating artificial life. I'm afraid if something with artificial life tried to fake it's own death, I wouldn't know what to think.

Amy Winehouse checked into rehab last Thursday... I say, "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

Dale Earnhardt Jr. is going to star in his own reality show, which debuts on ESPN 2 February 8th. I understand it's a little racy.

A testy Bill Clinton told an audience over the weekend to keep their mouths shut. Gee, if he had only suggested that ten years ago...

Senator Ted threw his weight behind Barack Obama. Sometimes, they're just too easy. That's too much like fishing from a trout pond.

This Saturday is "Groundhog's Day." Legend has it that if the groundhog comes up from his hole and sees his shadow, that means there are only 30 hours of Super Bowl pre-game activities left.

A large U.S. spy satellite has lost power and could hit the Earth by late February or early March. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. That's John Edwards campaign.

Somewhere, Chicken Little is saying, "See? See? What'd I tell ya?"

Dixie Chick Martie Maguire is pregnant. She already knows it's a girl and that it hates the president.

If there's another "Rambo" movie, you guys can only blame yourselves.

That's the difference between Hillary and Bill Clinton. Bill is the one that giggles when you're talking about the economy and someone uses the phrase, "Stimulation package."

A German travel company is going to offer its first-ever "Nudist flight" in July. Yep, you get on the plane and strip down to nothing. Understandably, the hot beverage service will be very limited.

This Sunday is "Super Bowl Sunday." Next Tuesday is "Super Tuesday." Monday's gotta have a little "inferiority complex" going.

Sylvester Stallone says he admits to using HGH -- human growth hormone. I only have two words to say: "Stronger doses."

Wow, they had the "Miss America" pageant last weekend. I barely heard anything about it. I guess it was shown on cable on the "When there's nothing else to watch" network.

The country of Iraq has a new flag, replacing the old all-white one.

Doesn't Mitt Romney sound like someone's name spelled backwards?

Lego's celebrated their 50th anniversary this week. They already got their first piece of junk mail from the AARP.

John McCain took Florida. Mitt Romney is demanding that he put it back.

Yep, John McCain won the Republican primary in Florida. Exit polls said that voters like his youth and enthusiasm.

You know that new FOX show, "Moment of Truth." Why are we wasting it on regular people and not hooking the lie detectors up to the presidential candidates?

Angelina Jolie is pregnant. Madonna says as soon as the baby is born, she's going to try and adopt it.

John Edwards and Rudy Giuliani are dropping out of the race for president. They'll make the announcements on the new FOX show, "So you think if you drop out now you could be vice-president?"

Britney Spears was taken from her home by ambulance early Thursday morning.
Doctors says she was suffering from third degree lack of attention.

Starbucks is dropping its hot breakfast sandwiches. Apparently they zapped
them too long in the microwave.

Shell Oil has announced the largest profits ever made by a British company.
So if the OPEC countries are to blame for the higher prices, how did they
make so much money? There must be a lot of markup in Teriyaki sticks.

I'll make sure to tell them they're #1 the next time I fill up.

Mitt Romney is accusing John McCain of "dirty tricks." I'll admit, the old
hand-buzzer gag at the debate was a bit much.


   1. Getting kicked in the ice-hole
   2. Third-degree boredom
   3. Frost-butt
   4. Snapping your rod
   5. Getting stabbed with a frozen worm
                                       LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?