This Week's Wacks
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February 15th, 2008
Well, time to get out there and hit those After-Valentines Day sales.
Because her visa was denied, Amy Winehouse had to perform on the Grammy's Sunday night via satellite. So, up to 20,000 feet then back to the earth... and then she performed by satellite.
We've got 51-minute lunar eclipse coming up on February 20th. I'm going to set up the DVR.
I just had a brilliant idea: I'll just give up my New Year's Resolutions for Lent and kill two birds with one stone!
Ted Turner says he's "almost done" buying up ranch land. Says he's 40,000 acres shy of his goal of 2-million acres. He wants to live in a place where his entire head would fit.
Forbes has named Boulder, Colorado, the smartest city in the United States. No one in town has ever bothered watching "Are you smarter than a fifth grader?" They already knew the answer.
Of course, their favorite candy: Smarties.
Hillary Clinton has fired her campaign manager. She's probably regretting not picking up Joe Torre when she had the chance.
The space shuttle astronauts went out for a walk on Monday. That means they've gotten out one more time than me this year.
I spent a few days in Toronto this week. Man, it was cold. So cold, the flashers were running around showing digital picture frames of themselves.
As I flew in, the entire city was all white. It looked like one big John McCain rally.
The temperature with the wind chill hit minus 30... just barely above President Bush's popularity rating.
Bill and Hillary Clinton were upset at an MSNBC reporter who said they were "pimping" out their daughter for the campaign. Bill was most upset, because he had to drop his nickname, "Huggy Bear."
92-year-old Leo Fiyalko did it last week at a golf course in Clearwater, Florida. He got a hole in one! What made it even more impressive is that Leo is blind. Oh, I'm feeling better about my golf game.
Britney Spears is now teaching a dance class for kids. Seems odd that they'd let a woman teach kids who isn't even allowed by court to have her own kids.
Paris Hilton's 18-year-old brother, Barron, has been arrested on suspected drunk driving. Boy, the flask doesn't fall far from the liquor cabinet, does it?
Aretha Franklin is upset that Beyonce` referred to Tina Turner as "the queen" at Sunday night's Grammy Awards. She apparently is still quite upset. Earlier today, scientists observing Aretha detected several harmonic tremors.
That Barack Obama is a really neat guy. All you hear about him anymore is how he's sweeping all these states. I guess he just likes a clean country.
The Department of Health in New York City acknowledged Valentine's Day by offering free condoms to everyone in the city except the New York Knicks. Hey, you don't score, you don't need 'em.
That sure does give NYU a whole new meaning.
Now we know why the Statue of Liberty still carries the torch.
President Clinton's 1992 campaign manager has endorsed... Barack Obama. What was that big political catch phrase that year? Oh, yeah, "It's the endorsement, stupid."
Hillary promised this week that her husband wouldn't be involved in any more sex scandals if she were elected president. Not any more and not any less.
I'm not saying Barack Obama is feeling confident about getting the nomination, but the first two words of his new campaign theme song are "Ding dong..."
"American Idol" has reduced the number of contestants down to 24. "24" has announced in their next season, Jack Bauer will try out on "American Idol." I'm getting confused.
TOP FIVE RUNNERUP TITLES FOR THE NEW INDIANA JONES MOVIE
1. "Indiana Jones and the Eternal Left-Turn Blinker"
2. "Raiders of the last Early-Bird Buffet"
3. "Indiana Jones and the Metamucil of Doom"
4. "Indiana Jones and the...uh...what were we talking about again?"
5. "Indiana Jones and the kids playing on his front lawn"
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim