This Week's Wacks
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February 29th, 2008
It's a leap day. I think you know what to do.
Are the Oscars over yet?
It's the one night every year that everyone in Hollywood gets to find out just long they can go. It only seems longer.
There were a few surprises at Sunday night's Academy Awards. Well, most of us were surprised. The New England Patriots had taped the rehearsals.
They had a 6.0 earthquake in Las Vegas last week. For a while, gamblers could shake dice by simply standing still.
The earthquake measured 6 on the Richter Scale...or, as they call it in Vegas, "double 3's".
What's the old saying? What shakes in Vegas aftershocks in Vegas?
Ralph Nader has announced that he's going to put on the sweater again and make another run for president.
Jack Nicholson sat in the front row of the Oscars. He had been told the Lakers were going to be there.
A former stripper won for best screenplay at the Oscars Sunday night. Diablo Cody was a former exotic dancer, which explains that little thing she did with the microphone stand and why Jack Nicholson was asking if anyone could break a five.
An international judging committee chose the tap water from Los Angeles as the best available in a big city. Whatever your theory about Britney Spears, we have to rule out the water now.
So, the best water and the worst air. In other words, if you live in Los Angeles, it's much better to be a fish.
This year's edition was the least-watched Oscars of all time! Even Jack Nicholson admits he was watching basketball on his Lakers-vision sunglasses.
Pregnant actress Cate Blanchett says her unborn son was calm and slept all the way through the Oscars. He was SO not alone.
The other day, I had this terrible feeling like I was all by myself, alone and there wasn't anyone with me... and then I realized, "Hey, I'm watching the Oscars!"
Starbucks closed its stores for three hours Tuesday night to give their baristas training. Well, it was an hour of training and a two hour coffee break.
Actress Rebecca Broussard was sentenced to five days in jail and three years of probation for her drunk driving arrest. She's the mother of Jack Nicholson's teenagers. That would explain it.
Actual strands of George Washington's hair have fetched nearly $17,000 at an auction. The creepy part is that they were nose hairs.
A recent poll asked who should play Hillary Clinton in a movie. #1 answer was Martha Stewart, followed by Tom Hanks.
Pamela Anderson is seeking an annulment from her October marriage to Rick Salomon. That's really going to screw up the office pool.
I'd say the U.S. economy is struggling. The Euro has topped $1.50 for the first time. Gold is approaching $1,000 an ounce! Oil is over $100 a barrel. We even had to add an extra day this month because our February isn't worth what it used to be.
British scientists say they've discovered that in at least one breed of spider, the male plays dead in order to have sex with a female. Wow, it's like a reverse universe.
It's not like that at our house. We don't spin webs.
In New York City, an animal lover is building small pine box homes for squirrels and putting them in the trees around city hall. A 1-bedroom goes for $230K.
In Ohio, a kindergartner has been suspended for coming to school with a Mohawk-style haircut. The five-year-old says he "pities the fool that did this."
Barack Obama refuses to answer the question, "Boxers or briefs?" Oh, not about himself---about what he thinks Hillary wears!
TOP FIVE SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO IMPROVE THE RATINGS FOR THE OSCARS
1. Winners must accept statues in spandex
2. Special salute to those who have had bad gas the past year
3. Instead of coming up to podium, stars sit in seats and awards are shot out to crowd with "Oscar gun"
4. When speeches go too long, no music--lions are released
5. Special nude-vision camera on Red Carpet
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim