This Week's Wacks
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March 14th, 2008
China officials say that the Olympic Torch will stop in Tiananmen Square for a couple of hours on its way to the Olympia Games. Watch out for those slow-moving tanks.
I saw a newspaper claiming that consumer confidence is the lowest it's been since 2004. I'm sure there was more to it, but I was afraid to buy the newspaper.
The U.S. dollar went up slightly today. It's now valued at somewhere between Monopoly money and Pokemon Cards.
This Sunday is "Palm Sunday." The following day is "St. Patrick's Day." That's the day St. Patrick drove the palm trees out of Ireland.
The nation has voted and we're now down to just 12. Oh, not "American Idol": I was talking Mike Huckabee supporters.
For some reason, every day this week, it felt like it's an hour earlier than it should be.
It ISN'T "fall ahead, spring back"? Well that explains why I got to work two hours early on Monday.
I suppose I should be happier, but I just don't feel like I'm really saving any daylight.
Matt Damon and his wife are expecting their second child together. Apparently that thing with Sarah Silverman was just a passing video.
The new movie, "10,000 B.C." made $35-million over the weekend... or, if you prefer, 10 Euro's.
We've got to something about our country's reliance on foreign oil. If for no other reason, but I'm completely out of high gas price jokes. What's left to do?
Easter really is early this year. First time I remember the Easter Bunny wearing green for St. Patrick's Day.
A British company has developed a camera that can detect weapons, drugs or explosives hidden under people's clothes from up to 80 feet away using what they call T-Rays. Not as dangerous as X-rays but more effective than S-Rays.
A new study shows that trace amounts of antibiotics, anti-convulsants, mood stabilizers and sex hormones have been found in the drinking water supplies of at least 41 million Americans. Well, that pretty much explains why I feel I would be content to go to bed with a someone germ-free who doesn't convulse.
I'll be completely honest with you. I didn't know who the governor of New York was. I do now!
New York's governor admitted he was caught in a prostitution ring of very expensive hookers. At least he had good taste.
He admitted hiring a prostitute. That sounds better than "he came clean".
February 13th, he allegedly paid $4400 for a prostitute in Washington, D.C. In the governor's defense, it was the night before Valentine's Day.
That cheering sound you probably heard was from all the joke writers. We're just downright giddy.
In the wiretap, the governor was identified as "Client Number 9". Doesn't it make you wonder if Bill Clinton was Clients 1 through 8?
How do you like dem Big Apples?
The governor is being accused of spending $4400 for one night with a prostitute in Washington, D.C.. One night with a prostitute, $4400...or, as Charlie Sheen used to call it, "Tuesdays"!
An Iowa congressman says that terrorists will be "dancing in the streets" if Barack Obama is elected president. ABC says if that happens, they'll put together a new show, "Dancing with the Terrorists."
I'm not saying that there's anything to that... but rumor has it that Osama bin Laden has signed up for ballroom dancing lessons.
Oil has now topped $109 a barrel... but that's still cheaper than $4400 a hooker.
I'm definitely hitting middle age. I hear "spending $4400" and I immediately go to what kind of plasma TV that would buy.
Elliot Spitzer's Valentine's Day card:
"I'll always love you, sweetheart. You're a blessing to my life.
I'll always love you, sweetheart, just please don't tell my wife!"
I guess we know now why his nickname was "Wolf" Spitzer.
Dawn Wells, who played MaryAnn on "Gilligan's Island," was busted for possession of pot while driving home from her 69th birthday party. Let that be a lesson to you: never drive when you're shipwrecked!
When she was pulled over, Dawn Wells said to the officer, "When did YOU end up on this island?"
There are now indications New York Governor Spitzer has been using call girls for over ten years. No doubt, he's racked quite a few "frequent liar" miles.
At a press conference today, New York Governor Spitzer said that the pressure to resign and all the media attention has him so stressed out that he really needs a release... but, of course, that's what got him here in the first place.
Remember, you may just be another radio listener to everyone else, but to me you'll be "Client Number Nine."
Now we hear that one of the ladies from the Emperor's Club once ran her fingers through Donald Trump's hair... and then mailed it back.
Geraldine Ferraro has stepped down from her position with the Clinton campaign after her unfortunate Obama comment. Ironically, if she were a white man, she wouldn't be in this position.
New York's Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned on Wednesday, after taking several controversial positions…in a hotel room.
You look back at New York and you see a jilted woman standing next to her cheating, philandering husband and you have to ask one very important question: are you referring to the governor or the senator?
The new $5 bills came out on Thursday. What's the biggest difference between the old $5 bill and the new $5 bill? The new $5 bill is only worth $4.
On one side is the phrase, "In God We Trust". On the other side: "Good for one gallon of gas".
Billy Crystal suited up for the New York Yankees on Thursday as part of an exhibition game. He played a couple of innings, then was replaced by Steve Martin and then later, Whoopi Goldberg.
First time a New York Yankee ever entered a game on a horse.
A guy in Kansas says his girlfriend is afraid to come out of the bathroom and has been sitting on the toilet for the past two years. This sounds like a job for Larry Craig!
TOP FIVE SIGNS THE EASTER BUNNY IS HAVING A BAD DAY
1. For the third time today, someone's come up and said he can't all his eggs in one basket
2. His cousin, the Energizer bunny, kept him up all night with that stupid drum
3. Coffee stand said they don't know how to make a carrot latte
4. At a TV store, someone tries to get better reception by grabbing his ears
5. "What do you mean, 'You need a lucky charm?'
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim