This Week's Wacks

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April 11th, 2008

In Italy, a priest is being accused of staging fake exorcisms. He said the devil made him do it. There he goes again!

According to a new poll, 81% of Americans think we're heading down the wrong track. The other 19% think it's the right track, but they thought they heard another train heading this direction.

Jane Fonda is endorsing Obama for president. Can't you just hear Hillary ordering Jane the "Thank you" bouquet?

Condoleezza Rice is really interested in being John McCain's Vice-President. No word if McCain would like rice on the side.

Charlton Heston died over the weekend. They were finally able to pry that gun out of his cold, dead fingers.

Police in Maine are on the look out for a man who walked into a music store last week, stuck a guitar in his pants and walked out the door. If you saw the guy, yes, that WAS a guitar in his pants but he was still happy to see you.

Police in San Angelo, Texas, raided a polygamist colony last Friday and removed 220 women and children from the ranch. One of the polygamists was heard yelling to police, "Take my wives... please!"

Yahoo continues to turn down Microsoft. That's SO Apple.

Rob Lowe says that a former babysitter tried to blackmail he and his wife to the tune of $1.5 million. Babysitting has gotten so expensive!

A Venezuelan TV channel has pulled "The Simpsons" off the air, saying it may be inappropriate for children... and replaced it with "Baywatch: Hawaii." You know, we never had things like that when I was a kid...

The Olympic Torch passed through San Francisco this week. For the record book, not the biggest flame they've ever seen in town.

Oh, I misunderstood what they were doing on Wednesday night's American Idol. I thought they were calling the show, "Idol gives Bach." My mistake.

John McCain says he has a list of 20 names he'd consider for a vice-president. Now, the trick is finding good people with those names.

I'm not saying John McCain is old... but his secret service code name is "9-1-1"

Now a former worker in the New Jersey Governor's mansion is claiming the place was so kinky, they only used 3-way light bulbs.

Wednesday night is American Idol's "Idol Gives Back" special... which prompted President Bush to ask, "What did they take?"

He wrote the book on failure and it didn't sell one copy.

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have asked Tom Cruise to be the godfather for their twins. They obviously didn't buy an expensive couch.

John McCain is the only presidential candidate not using Secret Service protection. Of course, he doesn't place himself in front of all those snipers.

Hillary Clinton's top strategist has quit her campaign team. Of course he did, that's his job: coming up with a good strategy.

The Olympic Torch is making its way through the United States, but with lots of protests. John McCain says he never remembers these kinds of problems back when the games first started.

We're learning more and more about life on a polygamist ranch. For example, did you know they had an organization on the ranch called, "Mothers Against More Mothers"?

The Clintons' tax returns have been released to the public. Apparently Bill Clinton
charges $450,000 to speak at events. For an extra $50,000, he promises not
to hit on your wife.

The Dalai Lama has begun a 6-day visit to the United States. You know, you
get him to run the Olympic torch and that would calm things down.

Thursday was "Siblings Day"... like we're suppose to honor that person who
tore the cover off your favorite comic book back in 7th grade. Oh, I could
let it go if I really wanted to...

Thursday was "Siblings Day"... that day we set aside every year to say
"Thanks" that Britney Spears doesn't have any more.

Elton John helped Hillary Clinton raise $2.5-million at a benefit concert
Wednesday night. No, I don't know if he played the song, "The bitch is

CBS is denying reports that they're about to kick Katie Couric out of their
news chair. In a related story, "The CBS Evening News" is changing their
name to "The CBS Evening Noose."


   1. Bloodstains in the back seat and trunk
   2. Personalized license plate says "Hit me!"
   3. Engine not included in rental fee
   4. Who knew the only cars they had were Yugo's?
   5. Company slogan is, "What's the big deal about safety?"
                                       LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?