This Week's Wacks

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April 18th, 2008

An 8,000-year-old spruce has been found in Sweden, making it the oldest living tree in the world. Locals have given it the name "Yarska-veena," which, loosely translated, is Swedish for "McCain."

Organizers of the 2010 Winter Olympics in British Columbia, Canada, have announced that they're going to forego the Olympic Torch relay for their games. Too much controversy. Well, there goes my Labatt's beer protest!

A new study says that cleaning the house as little as 20 minutes a week has mental health benefits. I prefer to just write the words "quiet," "peace" and "relax" in the dust on the furniture.

I'm confused. President Bush is one of the most unpopular presidents of all time. Yet, there's a call for him to boycott the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics. If the idea is to punish the Chinese, wouldn't you want to send someone unpopular that nobody likes?

On May 11th, New York artist Spencer Tunick is going to pack a Vienna soccer stadium with 2,008 naked fans and take their picture. Seat cushions, please!

A new study says that blueberries can help reverse age-related memory something or others.

Cate Blanchett's third son was born Sunday at an Australian hospital. The baby, Ignatius Martin, is doing fine, other than his name.

And now, the guy known as "the fourth Blue Man"...

I've had a tough day. My psychiatrist diagnosed me as a schizophrenic kleptomaniac. I kept stealing from myself.

New statistics show that food prices are going up faster than they have in 17 years! Well, I'm not worried. I'm sure we'll be able to handle our appetite for food just like we did for oil.

Speaking of oil, the price of crude oil went through the $114 a barrel price. And to add insult to injuries, the price of barrels went up $5 a piece.

John McCain says there is definitely a recession... but at least he's not completely bald.

This just in: Britney Spears has NOT been in any kind of trouble or car accident. Details as they're available.

President Bush said he was looking forward to meeting Pope Benedict the 16th. The president added that he wished he could have met his dad, Benedict the 15th.

The president said he was very careful when he shook hands with the Pope. After all, he didn't want to get a papal cut.

A 13-year-old kid in Blaine, Washington, set a new world record by blowing up 213 balloons using his nose. Wouldn't it have been a lot easier just to use Kleenex? Imagine one of those popping near you!

A new survey says that 98 percent of historians consider the Bush presidency a failure. The only reason the remaining 2% disagreed is because they thought it was being too kind!

A 101-year-old man ran in the London marathon last weekend. John McCain said it was a great example of how there really are some good kids out there today.

No joke, just an observation. All John McCain has to do this fall is string together all the stuff Obama is saying about Hillary, or Hillary's saying about Obama...and there are his TV commercials.

President Bush and the Pope have spent some time together. The president said his holiness looks much better, much younger than the last time he saw him several years ago. He even looks more German.

Delta and Northwest Airlines are merging to create the largest company in the world that doesn't know where your luggage ended up.

The Pope celebrated his 81st birthday Wednesday at the White House. With that white robe and the White House, there were several times where they couldn't find him.

For the Pope's birthday, President Bush gave him a set of "his and no one else" towels.

He also arranged for a nun to jump out of a giant wafer.

The U.S. Census Bureau is estimating that on May 10th, the world's population will hit the 6,666,666,666. A documentary will be made on the event, called "Three and a third devils."

Bruce Springsteen has endorsed Barack Obama for President. According to Bruce, "Baby, he was born to run".

Just a reminder that our income taxes are due next Tuesday.  This past Tuesday? Oh-oh…………

The Pope is in the United States.  After that Kansas win over Memphis in college basketball, he’s come here to declare it an official miracle.

It was Girls’ Night Out on “American Idol” this week.  Kristie Lee was the girl who was out.

Conan O'Brien celebrates his 45th birthday today.  In less than two years, he'll be taking over Jay Leno's birthday.


   1. "So, did you bring the wife?"
   2. "You know, last time I saw you, you looked Polish."
   3. "And now, here to put the ho in holiness... "
   4. "These three Catholic priests went walking into a bar... "
   5. "Ever been to Italy?"

                                       LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?