This Week's Wacks
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April 25th, 2008
Here we are: exactly 9 months away from Christmas!
They had a 5.4 earthquake in Barack Obama's home state of Illinois. Ironically, the earthquake caused most of the people in the bigger cities to cling to their guns & religion.
There are just so many accusations flying around these days, I don't know who to believe: Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama or Rob Lowe's ex-nanny!
The Olympic torch has arrived in Thailand. Immediately, a half-dozen restaurants gave it three stars.
The History Channel says 98 percent of historians rate President Bush's presidency a failure. I had no idea it was so low!
According to a new study, the older you are, the happier you tend to be. John McCain must be frickin' ecstatic!
Experts are now saying the rivets could have been a key factor behind the sinking of the Titanic. Now that they've got that figured out, wanna try to think of why we're still driving around in things that use fossil fuels?
A man and woman plan to be the first couple ever married in space next year on the inaugural flight of the Virgin Galactic. They don't plan to honeymoon in space, though. It lacks atmosphere.
10,000 people gathered at the University of Colorado on Sunday to celebrate marijuana by smoking it! Can you imagine what that would have been like to count that many people? 7,223... 7,224... uh... uh... shoot! 1... 2... 3.. 4...
The price of crude oil has cracked through the $117 a barrel price. It's obvious what our country needs to do: develop the Hummer lawn mower.
The latest increase in oil prices has given President Bush his highest approval ratings ever.....among oil companies.
Kanye West is apologizing for yelling out, "Seattle!" last week at a concert in Sacramento. When art imitates a Southwest Airlines commercial.
Scientists believe that radiation from cell phones throws off bees' navigation system. That explains why you see so many beehives with GPS systems.
President Bush made a surprise guest appearance on the show "Deal or No Deal" Monday night. Do you think he should be doing that? Not appearing on the game show -- being president!
How he never ended up on "The Weakest Link" is beyond me.
Danica Patrick says that she'll consider being on "Dancing with the Stars" some day... but not quite yet. And when she does, she'll insist on having a partner with a roll bar.
Now, what am I going to do with all this leftover Earth Day cake?
Marlee Matlin was eliminated this week on "Dancing with the Stars." In a cruel joke, they still haven't told her yet.
Larry King has signed a contract extension with CNN that'll keep him there until the year 2010. Now he just needs to renegotiate that deal with the devil.
Diane Sawyer is being criticized because a prostitute that she was interviewing for her program in disguise was recognized by her mother... and by at least one ex-governor.
Hillary won the Pennsylvania primary election, so the Democrats will continue attacking each other. John McCain sent both of them an FTD "Don't give up" bouquet!
The good news: they've developed a car that doesn't run on petroleum.
The bad news: it runs on rice!
Whoever thought you'd see Uncle Ben on "America's Most Wanted!"
Did you know we've got a world-wide rice shortage underway? First Wal-Mart, now Costco is limiting the amount of rice you can buy at one time. When did life turn into one big game of "Survivor"?
This week was the end of the road for Carly, the tattooed Irish singer on "American Idol". The look of disappointment was written all over her husband's face. At least, I think that was disappointment.
According to a new survey, less than a third of American doctors respond to e-mails from their patients. Another reason to have Wi-Fi at every golf course.
In Florida, a truck overturned, spilling packs of Jello all over the freeway. Even they were emptying the rest out of the truck to clean it up, there was always room for more.
I was thinking: Do you suppose one of the husbands secretly blew the whistle on that polygamist cult…just so he didn't have to go through another Mother's Day with all those wives?
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR CAT IS A SPY
1. Always scratching posts in Morse code
2. Catches mice disguised as a dog
3. Litterbox converts into sports car
4. Always asks neighbor cat to taste food first
5. Meows in Russian
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim