This Week's Wacks
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May 2nd, 2008
With rumors of a world-wide foot shortage, a Wall Street Journal writer is suggesting that it may be time to start hoarding food. Take a look around: we're already doing it! On our hips, our tummies, our butts...
Scientists studying the DNA of chickens say they are actually descendents of the Tyrannosaurus rex. As you can imagine, there were a lot fewer chicken jokes back then.
In fact, fossilized remains indicate that a T-Rex once ate the great, great, great, great grandfather of Colonel Sanders. It's all beginning to make sense.
The first of the tax rebate checks start arriving today. Finally, I can pay off those things I bought back in 2005.
Wesley Snipes was hoping to get his own reality TV show, but unfortunately the name "Prison Break" was already taken.
Fires have broken out again in southern California. Some residents have had to flee their homes, including Miley Cyrus, who apparently was only wearing a towel. The upcoming Vanity Fair has pictures.
Miley Cyrus is apologizing for posing for those provocative pictures for the upcoming issue of Vanity Fair. She says it was all Hannah Montana's idea.
My $600 government tax rebate check is supposed to come in the mail soon. $600... let's see, that should be enough to fill-up the car and buy a bag of rice.
The Mars Company has bought the Wrigley Company for $23-billion. Can Snickers-flavored Lifesavers be far behind?
A top Iranian official has warned against importing any "destructive" and "dangerous" Barbie dolls into his country. You already know what they did to the Ken dolls.
Well, it appears that during his baseball career, Roger Clemons made a few calls of his own to the bullpen.
So, Roger has agreed to a compromise: he'll admit that he took performance enhancing drugs, but they had nothing to do with baseball.
Apparently Roger and his wife had the traditional baseball marriage: she never believed he was safe when he was out.
The mayor of a town in Chile is giving away free Viagra to older men four times a month, to "improve their quality of life." Down there, having a "senior moment" has an entirely different meaning.
Cher has told Oprah that she was once "crazy" about Tom Cruise and had a brief relationship with the actor back when he was 23. Let's see, according to my math, that would have made Tom around... uh, 2 years old!
Now we know why she wants to "turn back time" so badly.
Barack Obama is being considered for a new FOX TV series, "When Pastors Attack"
And, coming up: Paula Abdul will critique next week's performances on "American Idol."
The video game "Grand Theft Auto 4" went on sale this week. This allows would-be car thieves to go for their masters.
Ironically, 4 teens were arrested this week for shoplifting copies of "Video Game Theft" in stolen cars.
The federal government says that because the economy grew .6% the first quarter, technically, we're not in a recession. Let the good times roll!
Since .6% increase in the first quarter isn't exactly a recovery, President Bush's advisors recommended that he take down the "Mission Accomplished" banner off the front of the White House.
President Bush is bringing back the one-year T-Bill. It's the bill that will last longer than he will.
President Bush is bringing back the T-Bill. Former President Clinton is recommending that we also bring back wet T-Bill contests. Down boy.
David Blaine set a new world record Wednesday for holding his breath, 17 minutes and 4 seconds while on the Oprah Show. He did it after asking asked Oprah when she and Steadman were going to get married and she replied, "Don't hold your breath."
The man who invented LSD has died. Oh, wait, I said that yesterday. Wow.
LSD, for those of you don't know, is a substance that can make you see things that aren't there and delusional....without having to be elected president.
Kathy Griffin and Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak have split up. Apparently Kathy started acting too PC.
Tonight's show should be exciting. Our studio audience is made up entirely of Rob Lowe's former nannies.
Whatever happened to, "What happens at Rob Lowe' house stays at Rob Lowe's house?"
Actor Gary Dourdan from "C.S.I." has been arrested on alleged drug possession challenges. He's being considered for the next version of the show, "C.S.I.: Rehab."
New government statistics show that breast feeding is at an all-time high. At the cost of food these days, is anyone surprised?
A pile of dinosaur dung 130 million years old sold at a New York auction Wednesday for nearly $1,000. Further proof if you just hold on to something long enough...
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR FAVORITE PITCHER IS HAVING AN AFFAIR
1. Exchanges signs with the catcher, then the girl in the front row
2. Lipstick on his rosin bag
3. Anyone else notice his locker smells like Chanel?
4. Has two cell phones labeled "Home" and "Away"
5. Declares his new nickname as "Mork," to go along with his "Mindy"
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim