This Week's Wacks
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May 16th, 2008
The Prime Minister of Israel has admitted that he took bribes from a U.S. businessman, but is refusing to resign... unless, of course, they meet his price.
McDonalds was up 5% in April. Funny, so was I!!
Jenna Bush got married at the Bush family ranch in Texas over the weekend. For the most part, things went pretty smoothly... except for that incident when President Bush gave away the bride to the oil companies.
In Iowa, a legally blind man bowled a 300 game. That makes every gutter balls sting just a little bit more...
Jessica Simpson says she's going to be maid of honor at her sister Ashlee's wedding. Ashlee says she's thrilled: she didn't know she got a maid out of the deal! Remember, she's the smart one of the family...
This is "National Bike to Work Week." Of course, with gas prices lately, every week is becoming "National Bike to Work Week."
Bad weekend for the movie, "Speed Racer." It made only half of what producers were hoping for... and then, of course, there's the price of gas...
Jenna Bush and her dad danced to the song, "You are so beautiful" at her wedding on Saturday. Dick Cheney kept requesting the band to play "Roll out the barrel."
The president insisted that there would be no throwing rice at the wedding. Needless to say, Condoleezza was relieved.
I've been thinking about it and I really haven't been paying much attention to my mom lately. It seems like I don't talk to her as much and when I do, I'm so distracted by everything I've got going on. But that's going to change. I'm not going to forget about her any more. In fact, this year for Mother's Day, I'm going to... It was? Oh, crap!
Hillary Clinton won the primary in West Virginia. She knew the trick: in West Virginia, you get one person to get all their relatives to vote for you and you win!
Rumors have it that Hillary might drop out of the presidential race next week. However, she reminded everyone today that "It's not over until the fat lady comes out from under the desk!"
John McCain says that "global warming" does not signal the beginning of another ice age. He says he remembers the last one and it was nothing like this...
Ryan Seacrest is in negotiations to take over for Larry King. If he does take the job, it'll mark the first time someone has hosted that show with less than 6 marriages.
In 2007, Americans spent $6.7 billion on breath-freshening products... no thanks to my co-worker.
President Bush is in the Middle East and says if he has time, he'll visit the other two East's while he's there.
My mom's a little ticked at me. Can I help it if they don't put the Mother's Day cards on sale until AFTER Mother's Day?
A Portland, Oregon, man is getting flack because he wrote a children's book about marijuana use called "It's Just A Plant." For the record, the original title was "Little Red-Eyed Riding Hood."
Other possible titles included, "The Three Billy Goats Huff" and "Jack and the Weed Stalk."
The other night, a robot built by Honda walked out on stage and directed the Detroit Symphony Orchestra! Afterwards, it let out a few rude noises and hit on a cute little Dustbuster. Apparently it didn't know how to conduct itself.
Adding insult to injury, the Japanese-built robot was able to conduct a lot more symphonies than its American counterpart.
Howard Stern edited recordings from Dolly Parton's audio book and made 'em sound dirty. Dolly is ticked! It's a good thing he's on satellite and no one can hear him.
Angelina Jolie has confirmed that she's having twins. I had a dream once that involved Angelina and twins, but it wasn't anything like this.
John Edwards has endorsed Barack Obama. "Endorsed" -- from the Latin word, "endorse-uh-you," which translated means "I'd like to be your vice-president."
I think of all those years I listened to the Cheech & Chong bit, "Dave's not here"... and now there's two of 'em left on "American Idol"!
Barack Obama said he was going try bowling again and this time, he hoped to knock down a pin for every state in the union. To play it safe, he didn't say how many that would be.
John McCain took a walk through an ancient Redwood forest. He said he remembered when it was first planted...
I'm going to go out on a skinny branch here and predict that David will win on American Idol.
TOP FIVE WORST POSSIBLE NAMES FOR DOG FOOD
1. "I can't believe it's not the mailman"
2. "Bow Wow Chow"
3. "Frosted Mini-Hydrants"
4. "Flea Feeder"
5. "Pile Maker"
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim