This Week's Wacks

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June 6th, 2008

A new CIA report claims that Al Qaeda is near defeat. Several leaders of the terrorist organization admit that they do feel "a little Hillary."

Former White House press secretary Scott McClellan says he might vote for Barack Obama. Barack said that's great, just as long as he doesn't write a book about it.

Bill Murray's wife of 10 years has filed for divorce, citing adultery, abandonment and abuse. And those are just the A's!

Wow, talk about too little, too late, Ricky Martin has officially endorsed Hillary Clinton. I'm wallowing in apathy.

I'm going to just assume Hillary won't be using his song, "She bangs" for any campaign appearances...

US Airways says it's going to do away with their in-flight snacks. I'm going to miss those peanuts -- all 7 of them!

The movie "Sex and the City" pulled in over $55-million last weekend at theaters. Who knew that Americans would be so much into sex?

We were going to go see "Sex and the City" but ironically my wife had a headache.

The movie is 2 hours and 15 minutes longer, but apparently it will seem longer if you think about baseball.

The final primary elections were Tuesday. I'll be glad when the primary elections are all over so we can move on to complaining about the general election.

The Space Shuttle astronauts will soon board the International Space Station and fix its broken toilet. When did America become the world's plumber?

Intentionally traveling thousands of miles to a place with a broken toilet: it sounds like the Shuttle astronauts have my travel agent.

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame guitarist Bo Diddley died Monday. To some, Bo meant great guitar work. To others, he meant Diddley.

Dick Cheney is getting flack for making an "in-breeding joke" about West Virginia. The entire state family is really upset.

The Governor, his wife, cousin, aunt and sister were very upset. Yes, both of them.

There was a big fire at Universal Studios in Hollywood last weekend. The King Kong exhibit and the street from "Back to the Future" burned down. Ironically, the "Backdraft" stage was just fine.

The weird thing was, when the fire broke out, hundreds of people immediately formed a 2-hour line.

So now, Barack Obama just has to wait for Hillary to get out of picture so he can have some fun. Now he knows what it's like to be Bill Clinton.

A Las Vegas club has named Britney Spears ex-husband Kevin Federline "Father of the Year." Obviously, the club must have had a pretty rough year.

A group called The Fathers Day Council has named "American Idol" judge Randy Jackson "Father of the Year." I understand he's quite the dad to little Dog-1, Dog-2 and Dog-3.

Would the last Seattle Mariners fan to leave the stadium please close the roof?

Now that the primary elections are over, we get down to the business of a 5-month general election. Great.

The shuttle astronauts have fixed the toilet on the international space station. The toughest part was coming up with a space suit that could show the traditional butt crack...

Now, the actors in Hollywood are threatening to strike.  Except, of course, Tori Spelling.  Oh, she'll strike….she just can't act.

The singer MIA has announced she's engaged.  She'll go from "Missing in Action" to "Action is Missing".

The Detroit Red Wings won the Stanley Cup Trophy.  Presidential hopeful John McCain called them up and forgot why he called.

Hillary Clinton STILL hasn't conceded to Barack Obama.  Of course, she's also still pulling for the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Barack Obama is the Democratic nominee.  Now for his toughest challenge yet:  carefully selecting someone who can tell Hillary she's not going to be the vice presidential candidate.


   1. Stretch marks on your credit card
   2. You only shop on days of the week that end in "Y"
   3. Mall security guard knows your first name... middle name... first school crush... everyone on wedding list...
   4. You have your own shopping cart... with a rollbar on it!
   5. VISA and Master Card arrange to wash your car each week.

                                       LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?