This Week's Wacks
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June 13th, 2008
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama held a secret meeting the other day... although, I question how "secret" it is when I read about it in USA TODAY.
Scientists say they've found a new link between depression and obesity. That's depressing. Wow, I feel like ice cream!
The latest job numbers are down... unless you include the number of people keeping track of job numbers. Then, they're up!
The Starbucks corporate offices have laid off 100 people. Several were steamed, no foam.
Vin Diesel and his girlfriend have become the proud parents of a baby girl. At the price of Diesel these days, that's great news!
The New York City Opera is going to turn "Brokeback Mountain" into an opera... and it ain't over 'til the fat cowboy sings.
What can Big Brown do for you? For me, it was lose $20.
Last Saturday was "World Naked Bike Ride Day." That meant, of course, that Sunday was "Clean Your Bike Seat Really Clean Day."
President Bush is off to Europe for a farewell summit with the EU... and the rest of the vowels, if he has time.
The Los Angeles Lakers are down two games to none in the NBA Championship series. Kobe had a really rough game the other night... going just 1 for 47. That was passes to his teammates.
Father's Day is this Sunday. I was going to buy him exactly but I bought mom for Mother's Day. But because prices have gone up so much, now I'm only going to buy him HALF a gallon of gas.
The Seattle Mariners have fired their hitting coach. I'm shocked! Who knew they had a hitting coach? (Thanks Scott!)
Alanis Morissette says she's very happy for ex-finance Ryan Reynolds... who is now engaged to Scarlett Johansson. Makes you wonder what she has in mind, doesn't it?
Apple introduced their newest iPhone on Monday, which is faster, thinner and cheaper than their first model. However, if you did buy one of the first iPhones at $599, Apple is selling special "Kick Me" signs just for you.
Because of a salmonella scare, a lot of tomatoes are being taken off store shelves and are good for nothing but throwing at people. More bad news for the Seattle Mariners.
The FDA says that large amounts of a Johnson & Johnson foot ulcer medication can increase your chance of cancer. However, your feet will look great!
Big Brown may have lost his bid to win horse racing's Triple Crown, but last weekend's performance did earn him a last name. No need to go into detail.
I've discovered this amazing new device that is saving me a ton of money on gasoline. It's called a "siphon hose."
Actually, whenever I fill up for gas, it only costs me $5. The key is filling up every day!
President Bush has said in an interview that he's been misunderstood. I guess he's said that several times before, but of course, no one understood him.
Unemployment has hit 5.5 percent, the biggest increase since 1986. At 5.5 percent, that puts unemployment actually higher than President Bush's approval rating.
NASA has announced plans to send a spacecraft to the sun. Yes, as you probably guessed, they're going at night.
Of course, the first thing they're going to work on: sunscreen with 2 million protection.
Not my joke, but it's going around: CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at the same time you do.
A town in Utah is considering a ban on bikinis at the city pool. To quote the mayor: "Thou doest think it is a baddeth idea?"
If they DO enforce a ban, a camera crew is going to descend on the town for a new video, "Girls gone mild".
Former presidential candidate John Kerry has called John McCain "confused" and "out of touch". McCain responded by saying, "Well, at least I didn't lose to George Bush!"
TOP FIVE UNLUCKY THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU ON FRIDAY THE 13TH
1. The gas light on the dashboard just turned on
2. You've been signed up for a tomato-eating contest
3. You really have to go and the closest restroom is on the International Space Station
4. Through a bizarre paperwork mix up, you're adopted by Richard Simmons
5. Donald Trump announces he's building a new casino on top of your foot
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim