While exploring the surface of Mars, NASA's Mars Lander appears to have discovered ice! If that's true, you know what that means is possible on the planet, right? Parties!
They're now estimating that the world population will hit 7-billion people by the year 2012. So we need you all to move in together a little closer...
Britney Spears says she's going to move back to Louisiana for a month to help her 17 year-old sister raise her new baby. That's sweet. How caring. Giving up an entire month to spend time with a new baby. Some day Britney will make a great... ... hey, wait a minute!
Good day for the Seattle Mariners. They made it 24 hours without firing someone.
The theme of last weekend appeared to have been "Get Smart" and don't go see "The Love Guru"
Senator John McCain says he'll offer a $300-million prize to anyone who can develop a car that gets rid of our country's dependence on oil. I'm going to assume that doesn't include peddle cars.
That's $300 million...or 20 Euros.
Wow, George Carlin died Sunday of a heart attack. His final seven words were... well, unfortunately, we can't say them on the radio.
Scientists say a childbirth drug may also be used to help people overcome shyness. I would think if you're giving birth to a child you've managed to overcome at least a little shyness.
If you believe the gossip mill, the Olsen twins are currently not speaking to each other. My theory: someone ate the last of the bird seed and won't admit it.
The President of OPEC says that gas prices won't be coming down. We need to make him something... like a motor that runs on water or something like that.
A group in Denver is asking that the cigarette smoking areas at the airport would also allow marijuana cigarettes. I guess that's one way to get the pilots to drink less.
Oh, that's a good idea. Get high and then get on a jet where each passenger gets 5 peanuts.
Don Imus is in trouble again for making another race comment. Would the person that is shocked please remove their ear plugs?
This is Bill Gates' last week of day-to-day duties at Microsoft. Yep, dealing with Vista has just taken too much of a toll.
Chrysler says it's going to start offering wireless Internet as an option on it's 2009 cars. At least now you'll know the idiot in front of you is on his cell phone with tech support.
What a great country? To be able to consume fossil fuels AND download porn at the same time? It doesn't get any better....
This is Bill Gates last week of day-to-day duties at Microsoft. No word yet on who will take over as C.E.N.--Chief Executive Nerd.
A judge has given Britney Spears permission to have overnight visits from her sons. Now she can resume their driving lessons.
Sorry if I'm a little less funny today, but due to that recent Supreme Court ruling, all of our studio audience members are packin' heat and I don't want to tick anyone off.
Jones Cola is coming out with three soft drinks, named after John McCain, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. The Hillary version is for those who just can't let go...of that great cola taste.
The Democrats have announced that there will be fried foods at their convention. Tough break for Kevin Federline, who had perfected the line, "Would you like fries with that?"
Wow, a week from today is the 4th of July. As usual, some punks will probably light off some fireworks.
So, our country's 232nd birthday is coming up next Friday. The problem with being the United States and having such a famous birthday is that no one ever tries to throw you a surprise party.
TOP FIVE SIGNS THE PARK RANGER IS A LITTLE OFF HIS NUT
1. While telling campfire stories, he stands in campfire
2. Detailed map of campground is written in ketchup
3. Shows how to make a fire by rubbing two hot dogs together
4. Constantly yelling at his compass, "You lie!"
5. On nature tour, identifies trees by first name: Tom, Fred, etc.