This Week's Wacks
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July 4th, 2008
Happy 4th of July! Our country's 232nd birthday, although we really don't look a dayover 210.
I guess we were quite a bit of trouble in our teen years...or, at least that's the way John McCain remembers us.
The price of crude oil shot up to $142 a barrel on Friday. Good thing my car runs on gas and not oil.
$142 for a barrel of oil. I wonder if we get a discount if we provide our own barrel? It used to be "crude," now it's just plain rude!
I think I'm going to ask my boss for a "cost of driving" raise.
Last week was Bill Gates' doing day-to-day duties at Microsoft. HA! The jokes on him! He's missing out on a 4-day work week!
Some asked me what my "secret turn-ons" were and I said I didn't have any. They didn't believe me and I said, "Well, I had some, but someone asked that question earlier and since I told them, they're no longer a secret."
So now, the cost of a tank of gas is half that of a barrel of oil. Can they really only get two tank fulls out of one barrel? Someone's getting screwed here and it's not them.
John McCain and Barack Obama have begun to question each other's trustworthiness. Boy, who could have seen that one coming?
The power of "four": we've got a four day work week -- the 4th of July is this Friday -- most times I hit a golf ball it's followed by yelling the word, "Fore!"
At the movies last weekend, more people wanted to see "Wall-E" than "Jolie." It's sad, but now we get more excited about seeing machines that run around and never have to be filled up.
Prince Charles has converted his Aston Martin sports car -- a 21st birthday present from the Queen -- to run on 100% bio-ethanol fuel distilled from surplus British wine. I'm shocked. England has surplus wine?
Eddie Murphy says he's considering retiring from acting. Looking at his last several movies, I thought he already had retired.
Jessica Simpson met Tony Romo's parents last weekend... at an Olive Garden... in Janesville, Wisconsin. Everything went well, until Jessica asked to take a tour of the garden to see the olive plants.
According to inside reports, negotiators are very close to reaching a cease-fire between Madonna and her husband Guy Ritchie.
The Saudi King is urging consumers to get use to the idea of high gas prices. I would encourage him to buy into the concept of democracy. Let's see who gets there first.
And now, here's Amy Winehouse's latest hit. (SFX of punching someone)
Starbucks is closing 600 of their U.S. stores. Here in town, the one they're shutting down is that Starbucks down the street from that other Starbucks next to the Starbucks.
According to a new survey, people who live in Denmark are the happiest people in the world. I always thought it was people who need people.
Now they claim that if you cut out left turns from your driving, you'll actually save gas. Of course, look what happened after we made right turns at each of the past two presidential elections.
According to Wesley Clark, "Just because you've lit off a few fireworks doesn't mean you're qualified to celebrate the 4th of July."
In Kentucky, a woman has been arrested for exchanging sex for gasoline. I don't know if it was regular or supreme…..or what kind of gas it was.
There are still those rumors about baseball player Alex Rodriguez being seen coming out of Madonna's New York apartment late at night. I call him the "Hanky Panky Yankee".
Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez and his wife have split less than three
months after the birth of the couple's second daughter…or, as they say in baseball, "he's been called out at home".
American Airlines may lay off as many as 900 flight attendants. The worst part is that they're going to do it one at a time: "Buh-bye! Buh-bye! Buh-bye!"
TOP FIVE POSSIBLE NAMES FOR PATRIOTIC BEER
1. "Red, white and brew"
2. "Thomas Jeffer Suds"
3. "John Wayne's 'Hey there, pilsner!'"
4. "Nathan Ale"
5. "The land of hops and dreams"
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim