This Week's Wacks
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July 25th, 2008
Wow, hard to believe that Christmas is exactly five months away!
According to a new government survey, Mississippi is the country's most overweight state. I think it started with the name. Look at the I's and the S's and the P's... and how many times they go back for seconds!
In fact, the state is SO fat, it has actually moved two feet further south over the last year.
Now Jesse Jackson is upset about the design of the goals where the U.S. soccer team works out... and is threatening to cut their nets off!
Everyone on the security team in charge of guarding Barack Obama is said to be "on edge." That would explain why that Secret Service agent threw himself on a copy of the New Yorker the other day.
Tropical storm Dolly is heading for the Gulf of Mexico. Of course, with a name like that, you know that they're talking about a big front.
The 51st annual World Santa Claus Congress is happening this week in Denmark. They have an elf congress, too, but it's shorter... as are they.
They call it a "Santa Congress" because they all meet and don't get anything done.
Of course, one of the most popular seminars taught there is "Elf Defense."
The Walt Disney Corporation announced that it is going to build a Disneyland in mainland China. Of course, all the kids can't wait to meet Mickey Mao.
In New Jersey, a man blew up his apartment while spraying for bugs. 80% of his apartment was destroyed in the blast. The good news: most of the bugs are gone!
A new survey says that London is the world's most expensive city to park a car. Hey, it's why I don't park there. Well, that, and the long walk to work.
Christian Bale was arrested by police after his mom and sister accused him of assaulting them. Somewhere, the Joker is laughing his head off.
I understand the problems started when he kept referring to his mom as "the old bat."
This could be Robin's big break. Or, George Clooney's.
It's just great to know that with the caped crusader around, he's keeping us safe from criminals, thieves, mothers and sisters.
A couple of guys down in San Luis Obispo, California, are in trouble for pouring cologne on the lap of their passed-out friend and lighting his crotch on fire. How drunk do you have to be to think THAT is funny? Oh... thanks for answering my question...
I still can't get over Christian Bale being arrested on charges of assaulting his mom and sister. Yesterday, I heard a mom saying to her kids, "You better behave, or I'll call Batman!"
Of course "The Dark Knight" was the biggest movie of all time. I was afraid if I didn't' go, Christian Bale would beat me up!
This just in from our Department of Redundancy: Christian Bale is out on bail.
Barack Obama is considering Senator John Edwards as a vice-president. Interestingly enough, John Edwards was caught by the National Enquirer at a Los Angeles hotel, visiting his vice-wife.
Actually, both presidential candidates -- Obama and McCain -- say the possibilities are wide open and that only person both have ruled out is Andy Dick.
Although it's said that Andy plans to be on the floor of both party conventions.
President Bush says that our nation's economic problems are due to the fact that "Wall Street got drunk." Good explanation, but may I ask: "WHO was bartending?"
Los Angeles made the list of the top 10 most walkable cities in the U.S.! Of course, their motto is, "Just because you CAN doesn't mean you have to!"
C'mon, the LA the most "walkable" city? The last guy to walk in LA was OJ Simpson... if you don't include Michael Jackson or Robert Blake.
Rhode Island police arrested a man the other day whose blood alcohol level was .491. He had gone beyond drunk and had actually become an honorary Kennedy!
Barack Obama visited Jerusalem today, including the Wailing Wall. President Bush used the occasion to announce that he's opposed to whaling.
There's now a wax figure of Amy Winehouse at Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in London. To make it appear even more real, it's next to a wax police officer.
Star Trek actor Leonard Nimoy's son has written a tell-all book about his dad. Nimoy couldn't believe his eyes. His son couldn't believe Nimoy's ears.
President Bush says he refuses to discuss any kind of a time table for Hurricane Dolly's withdrawal.
A judge in New Zealand is forcing the parents of a 9-year-old to give her a new name. He didn't like the one they gave her: Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii. No kidding. We can't tell you the parents' full names: only that the first part of their names are Chuck and Bitty.
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is threatening to put all state employees on minimum wage if the legislature doesn't figure out the budget. In his words, "Remember how much you were making when you first started? YOU'LL be back!"
TOP FIVE FUTURE VILLAINS BATMAN COULD END UP FACING
#1) The Prosecuting Attorney
#2) His mom and sister
#3) Upside Down Mortgage Man
#4) Mr. Global Warming (formerly Mr. Freeze)
#5) The Dick Cheney-ator
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim