This Week's Wacks

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August 1st, 2008

Wow, it's hard to believe that New Year's Day is just five months away.

Barack Obama visited Paris over the weekend, just to see if the French could like at least one American.

It's been revealed that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt conceived their twins using in vitro fertilization. Well, that's not how I imagined it at all!

If you're keeping score at home, the latest "Bachelor" star Matt Grant and his chosen fiancé Shayne Lamas have gone their separate ways. Maybe picking a wife on a national TV show isn't the way to go?

The new X-Files movie hit theaters over the weekend. The subtitle is "I still believe... we might be able to get tickets to The Dark Knight."

Last Friday was "National Tequila Day." If I hadn't observed the holiday so early, I would have reminded you.

Ex-hurricane Dolly flooded parts of New Mexico and Texas. Even with hurricanes, the ex's always go for the property.

The movie "The Dark Knight" has made $300 million in just 10 days, shattering the old record set last month by Exxon-Mobil.

Rachel Ray is coming out with her own line of pet foods. It'll be called, "Whoa, that didn't turn out."

Barack Obama is said to have his eyes on Virginia Governor Tim Kaine as his vice-presidential candidate. At least, he's supposed to be on the short list, along with Verne Troyer.

The University of Florida has been named the top party school in the country for the first time. This calls for a party! The trick is wedging one in-between when one ends and the next one hasn't started yet.

Starbucks is going to close 61 of its 84 stores in Australia by Sunday. There go a lot of jobs down the toilet, of course, in the reverse direction.

So, most of the Starbucks down under have gone just under!

61 Starbucks stores! Or, as we say in Seattle, two blocks' worth!

Just a little advice for the freeway offramp people. You know, the ones holding the cardboard signs, asking for money. Business might be a little better if you didn't take cell phone calls while you're on the job. (saw one just last week)

China now says it will censor the internet used by foreign journalists. Note to self: must bring own porn.

According to reports from inside China, they're also not going to allow anyone to BLANK while BLAKING a BLANKIN' BLANK.

Los Angeles had their biggest earthquake in 15 years on Tuesday. It clocked in at 5.4 on the Richter scale and since then, Kirstie Alley has experienced at least three aftershocks.

One geologist thinks that all the shaking could be directly connected to the recent closing of all those Starbucks stores.

In India, a politician celebrated a recent win in the election by sacrificing 200 goats and 4 buffalo. Sounds like someone's going to have a lot of leftovers.

Dunkin Donuts says they're going to start offering a healthier menu in August. Healthy donuts -- isn't that like diet cheesecake? What's the point?

Rapper Ludacris has a new song out on Barack Obama that refers to Hillary Clinton as an “irrelevant bitch”.  Meanwhile, another artist has written a song about John McCain that’ll be featured on the next “Monsters of Polka” album.

A new study says that more and more people are becoming addicted to the Internet.  It must be true: that stat was on 15 of my websites this morning.

A new John McCain TV ad compares Barack Obama to celebrities like Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.  Barack’s side is considering a TV that would connect John McCain to actors of his day, like Laurel & Hardy.

In St. Louis, there’s a church group that shows up at gas stations and prays for lower prices.  I think there was some miscommunication, because a really cheap hooker named Ethel showed up.


   1. The worst thing you could imagine: a hybrid chase scene
   2. Cost-cutting Bond Girl: RuPaul Galore
   3. Unfortunate invention from the lab: the Bluetooth suppository
   4. One of the bad guys is Jaws' son: Retainer
   5. Kidnappers demand ransom be paid in Euros, not dollars

                               LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?