This Week's Wacks
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August 23rd, 2008
Donald Trump is going to step up and buy the home of former Tonight Show host Ed McMahon and then lease it back to him so he can afford to live there. This is only going to fuel those rumors again that Trump has a soul.
Part of the agreement has a stipulation that whenever Ed sees Donald, he has to say, "Here's Donny!"
Wow -- Madonna, Michael Jackson and Prince all turn 50 this year. What the hell got in the water 50 years ago.
John McCain raised $27-million in July. Michael Phelps won the same amount in gold during August.
(OK, maybe over the line) John Edwards has a dying house plant, so he's already started seeing another plant.
There's a new green dating service that will help you find your ecological soul mate. I suppose that's fine, as long as you recycle your old soul mate.
Pakistan's President Musharaff has resigned. Yep, there's a new Musharaff in town.
Musharaff said he resigned because of possible impeachment. In his words, "I did not have sex with that woman and I am not a crook."
Ellen DeGeneres married Portia DeRossi on Saturday. There was no best man. In fact, there wasn't even a "good enough" man.
She's 50 and she's 35.
Phil Collins divorce settlement with his 3rd wife was an almost $50-million cash settlement. Or, as Heather Mills calls it, "Really hot".
Censors in Egypt and Lebanon have banned the Adam Sandler movie, "You Don't Mess With The Zohan." Just goes to show how much more advance they are than us.
The Cartoon Network is bringing back "The Banana Splits." If you're old enough to remember who they are, you're old enough to want to forget.
This just in: Michael Phelps did not win any more gold today!
Just looking at Michael Phelps makes me realize how out of shape I am. I mean, he wins 8 gold medals...that's one for each time I have to get up at night to go to the bathroom!
I'm going to sound really old here, but the only way the Olympics could have been any better is if Michael Phelps had won all of his gold medals before 9 o'clock.
Everyone's getting ready for the big Democratic party convention in Denver, the Mile High City. Not surprising, Bill Clinton has offered to run the Mile High Club.
Major League Umpires are asking baseball to consider using instant replays. And in other news, Major League Umpires are asking baseball to consider using instant replays.
Ricky Martin is the proud father of twin boys, born to a surrogate mother. The words "miracle birth" keep running through my mind...
Waldo of "Where's Waldo" fame turns 21 next month! The great thing about being Waldo and turning 21 is that you can go out drinking with friends, and when the bill arrives, you're very hard to find!
With Jamaica's Usain Bolt winning Olympic gold in both the 100 AND 200-meter events, he's become known as "the fastest man on earth". Thank God! I've finally gotten rid of that title.
John McCain was asked by a reporter how many houses he owns and he couldn't give an answer. To be fair, Andy Dick was asked the same question and gave the same response, although he was unconscious.
Later, John McCain said, "Oh, I thought he asked how many seasons of House that I owned".
Lines from last weekend's 35th high school reunion--
"It's when the phrase, 'Remember when...' is followed quickly by, 'Not really'....
and 'Hey, look at this' generates a 'Let me get my readers'!
We're now closer to the age of 73 than the year!
We're now closer to the age of 73 than the year!
I was talking with one of my classmates who was complaining about the crow's feet, the
extra pounds, the sagging boobs and I said, "But John, it's still great to see ya!"
TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT THE BIGFOOT YOU FOUND IS A FAKE
1. He's wearing a size 5 shoe
2. It's really Robin Williams without a shirt
3. Hates Geico commercials
4. Same hair color as Donald Trump
5. His pants are on fire
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim
PS--Don't miss this week's very important E-Mail of the Week especially if you have someone going back to school!