This Week's Wacks

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September 5th, 2008

David Duchovny has checked into rehab for sex addiction. The Ruth is out there.

Wait a minute! He's married to Tea Leoni! To me, that's like sneaking out for Haagen-Dazs when you live with Ben 'n Jerry.

Michael Jackson turned the big-50 last Friday. He says he is now a proud card-carrying member of the AARP -- the American Association for Retired Perverts.

Republicans are gathering in Minneapolis this week for the national convention. One everyone gets past the men's rooms at the airport, it should be pretty clear sailing...

If you're trying to plan out when you'll watch the Democratic convention, you should know that Wednesday is the day that Barack Obama will pull Hillary's finger and she'll release all of her delegates.

Good news. House sales across the U.S. went up by 3% last month. Oh, wait... no, they sold 3 houses. That's much different.

American Idol is going to add a fourth judge next season, Kara DioGuardi. They hope it gives better balance. Not to the show, just someone to help hold up Paula.

It was between Kara and Judge Judy.

The sun has made history. Astronomers say that it just went an entire month without a single sunspot for the first time in over a century. Normally the sun will spot as often as Larry King gets married or divorced.

Conservative vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin's 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. Everyone is shocked -- no one had the slightest idea she was a Democrat.

Sir Paul McCartney is so much in love with his latest girlfriend, Nancy Shevell, that he's written a song about her. I'll assume it's something like, "I'll love you forever if you sign this pre-nupt!"

In Nigeria, a court is demanding that a man divorce his 82 wives. He's getting an attorney through Costco.

Tiger Woods and his wife Elin are expecting their second child together. See what'll happen when you stay off the golf course!

They're already working on a movie about the Governor of Alaska's daughter being pregnant. It'll be called, "Juneau."

Democrat Joseph Lieberman rocked the Republican convention the other night. Experts area calling it one of the great oratory performances since Benedict Arnold's "I have a scheme" speech.

Singer Jerry Reed has died at age 71. Hey, when you're shot, you're shot!

Sarah Palin accepted her nomination as the Republican nominee for vice-president. In her speech, she said she was ready to lead her country into a new decade of exciting changes. No, wait....that was what she said about her hairstyle.

Topical storm Ike has been upgraded to hurricane status. Probably won't be seeing a lot of "I like Ike" buttons.

David Spade has become a father! His daughter was born August 26th to Playboy Playmate Jillian Grace. 8-pounds, 1-ounce and 21-inches long... but enough about David.

David Beckham says he afraid of ending up bald and fat. Hey,'s not that bad!


   1. In the first game, your team had three sacks -- of their own quarterback
   2. Star running back skips down the field
   3. Linebacker calls for a "dirty uniform" timeout
   4. Team refuses to go out after halftime because team mom forgot orange slices
   5. Vultures circle overhead every time there's a team huddle
                               LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?                                                                                                                                      

PS--Don't miss this week's E-Mail of the Week