This Week's Wacks

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September 19th, 2008

A jury is slowly shaping up in the latest OJ Simpson trial. OJ's attorney isn't as sharp this time. His opening statement was, "If you auntie sewed you a quiltie, than he can't be guilty!"

(Or) "If we don't feel the love, I'm gonna go get him a glove"

Pamela Anderson, when asked what she thought about Sarah Palin, said, "She can suck it!" The good news: Palin still hasn't said no yet.

Barack Obama is ridiculing John McCain in his latest ad for being computer illiterate. McCain says he plans to Xerox a response to him as soon as he figures out what that contraption on his desk is with the alphabet buttons on it.

Michael Phelps hosted the premiere of the new season of "Saturday Night Live." Not surprising, he said things went swimmingly.

Hugh Hefner is breaking up with his 28-year-old girlfriend. I think she was the one in the middle.

I had a pretty low-key weekend. Just me, a pig and a tube of lipstick. Hey, I'm curious.

Boy, is our economy messed up or what. Today, the Jonas Brothers announced they're taking over for Lehman Brothers.

Linday Lohan is speaking out and warning the country about Sarah Palin. In return, Sarah Palin is warning everyone about Lindsay Lohan movies.

While I completely respect Lindsay's opinion on the subject, I wonder what Herbie the Love Bug really thinks.

Houston is dealing with no power, chaos and a feeling of hopelessness. But enough about the Astro's...

Bank of America has bought Merrill Lynch. They're going to keep the brokerage firm, but the Merrill Lynch bull has been sold to McDonalds.

The big shocker on Wall Street today: Vice-presidential hopeful Sarah Palin shot and butchered the Merrill Lynch bull.

Tough day on Wall Street yesterday. This morning, my broker and I both woke up with something in common: we're broker.

I'm trying to be so good about what pollution I'm personally generating and my carbon footprint... and today, I found out I have carbon athlete's foot.

That Obama fundraiser in Beverly Hills Tuesday night cost $28,500 to attend. Let's see -- pay cash for a car, go to a fundraiser. Hmmm...

John McCain says it was one of the toughest times of his life: being looked down on... interrogated, disrespected, having all of your answers questioned... oh, not in Vietnam -- when he visited "The View" the other day.

Oil has dropped to below $92. Time to reorder that SUV!

I suggest as the price of oil drops, we keep the gas prices high and put the extra money into something we can use when they skyrocket again. I call it, "The Stupid Fund."

Remember the good old days, when you opened up a birthday card and it was quiet?

The Russian Stock market has collapsed. The ruble is in rubble. Megan Fox says that she once had an obsessive crush on a female stripper. Who knew we had that in common?

Someone hacked into Alaska Governor Sarah Palin's Yahoo e-mail account.  John McCain said he was terribly upset at whatever just happened.

A new survey says that 55% of Americans believe that their lives have been touched by a guardian angel.  That figure is 100% among AIG employees.

Barack Obama says that John McCain is nothing more than a puppet of the rich.  He made the comments at a $28,000 a plate fund-raiser during a Pinocchio skit.

This has been a special week.  For the first time ever, the Dow Jones has fallen more times than Andy Dick.

Health officials are warning about new breed of drug-resistant super lice.


   1. Only insects that wear tiny leotards and a cape
   2. The incredibly tiny "S" on their chests
   3. Able to leap full scalps with a single bound
   4. Only way to kill them: Kryptonite shampoo
   5. They breed faster than a locomotive

                               LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?                                                                                                                                      

PS--Don't miss this week's E-Mail of the Week for some memorable wedding announcements