This Week's Wacks
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September 26th, 2008
Bill Clinton visits "The View" on Monday. Mothers, lock up, pretty much everything!
The CEO of Washington Mutual denies that they're for sale... but, if you were making an offer, what would it be?
Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia have reached a divorce settlement. Good, now he can concentrate on the playoffs. Oops. I mean, now he can concentrate on getting tickets for the playoffs.
Vice-presidential candidate Joe Biden says that paying higher taxes is patriotic. Couldn't I just fly a flag?
Ryan O'Neal's attorney says that those drugs found in his house did not belong to Ryan. That the vial of meth found in his bedroom wasn't his. I mean, really... I can't count the number of times that same thing has happened to me.
The big winner at the Emmy's this year was "Mad Men." That's that TV series about the guys John McCain was considering before he picked Sarah Palin as his running mate.
They've played the last game in Yankee Stadium. To think of all those greats that appeared there over the years: Ruth and Gehrig, Mantle & Maris, A-Rod and Madonna.
On Tuesday, it already seemed like a long week: I really could have used a government bailout.
Newsweek is reporting that Cyndi and John McCain own 13 cars. Barack Obama owns a Ford Escape hybrid. Ralph Nader reports he doesn't own a single world-polluting vehicle... he just borrows one of John McCain's.
The ratings for the Emmy's set an all-time record for fewest viewers. It looks like everyone celebrated the 60th annual Emmy's by watching the Dallas/Packers game! Or "60 Minutes." Or the Yankees last game at Yankee stadium or the Home Shopping Network.
U.S. Senate candidate Al Franken now admits that he helped write some of the John McCain skits on "Saturday Night Live." That explains why they weren't funny.
However, we have yet to find anyone who will admit to writing Sunday Night's Emmy's Show.
Illusionist David Blaine's latest stunt is hanging upside for 60 hours in Central Park and then doing a "Dive of Death," named after the current U.S. economic conditions.
The Seattle Mariners have now lost 12 in a row. Manager Jim Riggleman was quoted as saying, "What? The season's still going?"
Hugh Hefner says that his current three-girlfriend relationship is "in transition." Apparently one of the girls caught him with another threesome.
Clay Aiken has officially come out of the closet and admitted he's gay. Well, lost that bet!
Of course, let's face it: the closet pretty much had a glass door.
Wow, Clay Aiken is gay. I had just gotten over the shock of finding out that Verne Troyer is short.
Maybe now I can finally stop confusing him with Troy Aiken.
German researchers say that what you smell before falling asleep can affect your dreams. That's it: no more 'Goodnight finger pulls'.
Sarah Palin spent some time at the United Nations this week, showing off her foreign policy expertise. She told the President of IKEA she really looked forward to visiting his country some day.
PETA has asked Ben & Jerry to stop using cow's milk in their ice cream….and start using human breast milk. Gee, why didn't we think of that before?
Can the flavor Carmel Electra be far behind?
Bette Midler says she's done touring and is staying put in Vegas to help save the planet. I think it makes much more sense for one person to stay put and thousands of people flying in to see her.
A couple of not-very-shocking announcements this week from some American Idol alums. First off, Clay Aiken came out of the closet and announced that he's gay. Second, Ruben Studdard held a press conference and announced that he's hungry.
I went to a low-budget production of "Phantom of the Opera". Instead of a mask, the Phantom wore masking tape. Boy, did that hurt when Christine pulled it off!
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR STOCK PORTFOLIO IS DOING POORLY
1. Guy at work offers to trade his lunch for your stocks
2. At Merrill Lynch, you're an inside joke
3. If you sold your stocks now, you'd get your proceeds in change
4. Stock broker won't let you see it and is playing keep-away
5. Lehman Brothers are offering to bail YOU out
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim
PS--Don't miss this week's E-Mail of the Week to see a killer hamburger joint