Peter Frampton is upset. Someone keeps stealing the Obama signs out of his front yard. Obviously, someone doesn't feel like he do.
According to the latest polls, 100% of American voters are sick of this election.
I've decided my kids don't need at that extra sugar, so I went through all of their Halloween candy and got rid of those fattening Snickers, Three Musketeers and Baby Ruth bars. At least, that's how I'm explaining what happened to them.
I came up with a great last-minute Halloween costume idea. Instead of Joe the Plumber, I went as his assistant, Peter Piper. All I had to do was go down to the store and pick a peck of pickled peppers. It was harder to say than it was to do...
It's Election Day! For those of you taking Viagra with bad hearing, I said "Election Day!"
I hate switching back to standard time. I always lose the extra hour we gain because it takes at least that long for me to figure out how to change the stupid clock in my car.
I can't believe it's finally Election Day... the kidney stone of our political system. By the time it passes, you're REALLY glad it's over.
I have watched every campaign commercial that has aired on TV, multiple times and I've come to the conclusion that none of these people are fit for office.
It's the final hours of the campaign, when the candidates seeking our approval do everything they can to show why they don't deserve it.
Wow, the election is just about over. Hard to believe we're just two years from starting this all over again.
Hostess Twinkies are being repackaged into 100-calorie snack packs. In a related story, a fashion designer has unveiled his latest creation: the XXXXL Speedo.
Ryan Reynolds finished the New York City Marathon in 3 hours and 50 minutes. Man, he's slow. I finished watching in less than an hour. God bless Tivo.
So I'm watching the election returns when the doorbell rings. Two bankers are standing there dressed in suits, holding out pillowcases and saying, "Trick or Bailout!"
Anthony Edwards will return to "ER" on November 13th. Apparently, it IS easy being Greene.
Everyone give it a rest for a while, OK? No one announces they're running for anything until 2010! That's the rule.
After two years, John McCain was voted out this week in "Campaigning without the Stars."
In political fashion news, blue is the new red.
Great... now that Barack Obama's in, I have to stop making more than $250,000 a year. Okay, that's done... what's next?
Kind of a good-news, bad-news story. According to the latest polls, by Wednesday, 90% of the undecided voters had finally made up their minds.
A group of nudists in Florida have requested their own polling place before the next election, so they can vote in the nude. I don't even want to think about how they mark their ballot.
Sarah Palin is back in Alaska. Ironically, one of the first things she saw on her way home was a seafood processing plant with the sign, "Yes we can....salmon."
A new phenomenon: Obama babies. Babies that will be born 9 months from now that resulted in celebrating his election. Not to be confused with Clinton babies, who were born at various times, but look like the former president.
According to the latest polls, 98% of all Americans no longer care about the latest polls.
And now, live, back in New York….it's Al Franken!!!!
FOX news reported today that the election never happened. It was all just a dream.
Chicago is still celebrating the election of Barack Obama. He's become known as the "anti-Cubs".
So, Barack Obama won, John McCain lost. Let this be a lesson to us all: never, EVER stand up David Letterman.
Sarah Palin's having a rough time. She's back home in Alaska and she can hear Russians laughing at her from her front yard.
TOP FIVE THINGS BARACK OBAMA IS GOING TO DO NOW THAT HE'S BEEN ELECTED
1. Find a better Obama impersonator for Saturday Night Live
2. Open Arnold Schwarzenegger's front yard for drilling
3. Hire Tina Fey as the official White House jester
4. Switch to a coal-powered Prius limousine
5. NOW it's safe to go on "Saturday Night Live"
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
PS--Don't miss this week's E-Mail of the Week with some must-see videos to get you in the voting mood!