This Week's Wacks
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December 5th, 2008
In a magazine interview, Britney Spears says she feels "old and boring"... which is ironic, since I feel she's gotten old and I'm bored with her.
Last Friday was the day retailers call "Black Friday." President Bush said that everyone's getting a little too carried away with this Obama thing.
OK, Thanksgiving has come and gone, the Christmas tree lots are open... but it's not really Christmas until George Bailey appears before congress, asking them to bail out his 'crummy, old savings and loan'.
They had a giant balloon in this year's Macy's Thanksgiving Parade representing the U.S. banking industry. It was filled entirely with government air.
The Christmas Tree for the Blue Room of the White House has arrived. It's from North Carolina and a Fraser Fir, although President Bush says it doesn't look a thing like Kelsey Grammar.
The Dalai Lama says that sex only complicates life and that chastity offers a better life and more freedom. Good for him. I'll take the risk.
It's that time of year when we, as a people, collectively share the same sentiment. So, if I may, I'd just like to say what you're thinking: I'm sick of leftover turkey!
Great! Now we've got leftover turkey! We just finished up the last of our Easter ham!
May your holiday spirit long outlast your Thanksgiving leftovers.
While in England to talk with the prime minister, Condoleezza Rice took time out to play the piano for the queen. No, not Elton John... the main queen: Elizabeth the 2nd.
In Texas, a man claims that God told him to smash into another driver at 100 mph. Well, of course, God wouldn't be afraid to drive that way. What's the worst thing that could happen? He could crash and end up back with himself?
Economists have made it official: they confirm that we're in a recession. If you would, please imagine the loudest "duh" you've ever heard before.
Here's Elvis Presley, singing, "I'm Gonna Have a Blu-Ray Christmas Without You."
Barack Obama is giving his wife a $30,000 ring to say thanks for being by his side. Oprah only had three words to say: "What about mine?"
Olympic Gold winner Michael Phelps has just been named Sports Illustrated's "Sportsman of the Year." Boy, who could have seen that coming?
Jessica Simpson says she wants to go back to college and study theology. Especially since every guy named Theo that she has met has been so nice...
With Barack Obama naming Hillary Clinton as his new Secretary of State, the rumor has sprung up that Bill Clinton might take over her Senate seat. Bill Clinton held a press conference yesterday and said he had no interest in Hillary's seat... or her job as Senator, for that matter.
I just hope that when congress decides how to much to give the U.S. auto makers that someone reminds them of how much they were offering for our trade-ins.
Oil is down below $46 a barrel. It would mean a bleak Christmas for OPEC... if they celebrated Christmas.
YouTube is going to ban suggestive videos. So now what am I supposed to do at work all day?
My memory isn't completely shot. I can still remember back to the days when everyone seriously thought George Michael was straight.
Because of complaints about it cruel and inhumane, a group is asking President-elect Obama that the second he takes office, he immediately shut down "Last Comic Standing." Thank God... ...
Madonna has postponed the first of her four concerts in Buenos Aires. Hey, Argentina, stop crying!
The Grammy Award nominations were announced Thursday and once again I took a giant leap away from the current music world. My only question: Who are these people?
And now it's time for that holiday classic, "Yes, they DO know it's Christmas and they wish you'd quit reminding them about it."
TOP FIVE THINGS A PHYSICAL TRAINER MIGHT SAY TO A SNOWMAN
1. "Your arms are like sticks! Oh, wait... they really ARE sticks!"
2. "Let me help you melt away the pounds"
3. "You're just a skinny person trapped inside a giant snowsuit"
4. "Someone really packed on the snow this weekend, didn't they?"
5. "Is your nose a carrot or are you just happy to see me?"
TOP FIVE REASONS THE ELVES ARE IN A BAD MOOD
1. Santa blasting the song "Short People" over the PA system again
2. Herbie the Dentist out of Novocain again
3. Only clothing store within 40 miles of the North Pole is a Big & Tall shop
4. Too short to ride any of the rides at Disneyland
5. The company basketball team has lost their 395th straight game
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim
PS--Don't miss this week's E-Mail of the Week for a crash course on how women work
PSPS--Something new! It's my very own, long-threatened, now-actually-a-reality blog page. I look forward to hearing what YOU have to say: Click here