This Week's Wacks

Available on a daily basis through Radio On-line
Click here for a free trial

January 16th, 2009

Alfred Shaheen, the inventor of the Hawaiian shirt, has died at age 86. He'll be laid to rest with real lei's.

In New York, a divorce is getting real interesting: the husband wants his estranged wife to return the kidney he donated to her years ago. "If you're rejecting my heart, I'll take back my kidney."
What is they say about a divorce? It's always the kidneys that suffer the most.
The bad news for the wife: New York is a community organ state.

"Slumdog Millionaire" won four Golden Globe Awards Sunday night. At the risk of being redundant, the movie about a big winner was a big winner.

Michelle Obama's mom is going to live in the White House, at least in the beginning of the new first family's time there. An economic crisis, turmoil in the Middle East AND your mother-in-law moving in with you? How much can one man take?

President Bush held what is expected to be his final press conference yesterday. Too early to pop the cork yet, but you might as well put it on ice!

For those of you who don't know what a Ponzi scheme is, go back to "Happy Days"... and think of a get-rich scheme created by Fonzie... but executed by Potsie.

Men's Fitness magazine has declared Miami the "fattest city in America." To show just how much weight residents have put on, Crocket & Tubbs are now both Tubbs.

The same survey listed Salt Lake City as the most in-shape city. Hey, I resent that: round is a shape!

Researchers at Cambridge say that the length of a man's finger may help predict their financial success. If a guy has normal-length fingers, he'll be moderately successful. If he's holding up just one finger and it's the longest one, he's probably not doing too well.

A 107-year-old Chinese woman who says she was afraid to get married when she was younger, is now on the lookout for a husband. Please, please guys, form a single line...

If trends continue, the United States could pass Italy as the world's biggest consumer of wine by the year 2012. 2011 if we really work on it.

My buddy Skip Tucker says he was inspired by Michael Phelps' performance at the Olympics. So, he's increasing his food intake to 10,000 calories per day. "Eventually, I'm hoping to learn how to swim, but hey, one thing at a time."

American Idol is getting ready to start up its 8th season and they've added a 4th judge. It's amazing what can happen with a new judge: just ask O.J.!

I haven't been this excited since "Battlefield Earth" came out on Blue Ray. An ex-boyfriend of Amy Winehouse says that Amy smokes crack for breakfast. Amy denies the accusation, but refused comment about lunch and dinner.

The Army has changed their policy and is now accepting overweight recruits. In a related announcement, the Army has increased the size of the standard foxhole from 42-inches to 56-inches.

Fans of Elvis Presley celebrated what would have been his 74th birthday this week by eating several Elvis birthday cakes. Exactly what "The King" would have done...

Regardless of what the press might lead you to believe, Paris Hilton says that she has only slept with a couple of men. Thank God for video tape, huh?

The Shane Company has filed for bankruptcy. Now YOU have a friend in the bankruptcy business.

President Bush made his final public appearance as president Thursday night, with one last address to the nation. Just four years too late.

Don't worry: the all-time viewing record for "M*A*S*H" is safe.

I think we all feel the same way about the president's farewell speech: "Stay away from the American Idol nights and no one gets hurt!"

The president plans to pass along what he's learned over the past 8 years. Of course, the most important thing of all: watch out for flying shoes!

The National Offices of Planned Parenthood is trimming 20% of their work force. For a long time at Planned Parenthood, layoffs were inconceivable. Ha, I made a funny.

Howie Mandel had to be rushed to the hospital in Canada with an irregular heartbeat. The first thing the ambulance driver asked him was, "Siren or no siren?"

Chicago is bracing itself for a major snowstorm. Citizens are stocking up on food and booze to prepare, much like they do before any sports playoff season.

Hey, let's match up the Runaway Pilot with the Runaway Bride and see if we can get them to get married and then stay on the plane during the honeymoon.

A British study shows that people who drink a lot of coffee tend to hallucinate more.  Finally, an explanation on the Prince Charles/Camilla thing.

Osama bin Laden has a new video out.  In it, he was really upset and condemned the United States for not giving the Golden Globe to Anne Hathaway.

There's a big cold snap moving through the Midwest.  In Chicago, temperatures are so cold the Governor of Illinois is only selling heated seats.


   1. Said he was here to put the "oaf" in "Oafal Office"
   2. Reminding everyone that there "Is no P in President Bush, if you ignore the president word"
   3. Calling the President-Elect Barrack O'Conner
   4. Talking about Middle East residents as "Gaza Strippers"
   5. Referring to Vice-President Shane Dicky


   1. Jack Nicholson forgot his glasses and accidentally hit on two coat racks
   2. For the first time, they televised the breaking down of separate checks
   3. Sean Combs, fighting a cold, announced he's changing his name to "Stuffy"
   4. Martin Scorsese presented Tina Fey with a Golden Globe and an American Express card
   5. Someone poured a bucket of watch on Lindsay Lohan and she melted

                       LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?                                                                                                                                      

PS--Don't miss this week's E-Mail of the Week, called "When people steal your Kodak moment".

PSPS--Something new!  It's my very own, long-threatened, now-actually-a-reality blog page.  I look forward to hearing what YOU have to say: Click here