This Week's Wacks
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February 6th, 2009
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced $1-billion in cuts of city services. There's a long list of cutbacks. For example, beginning this year, the Yankees will suck 50% less.
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has been impeached. Blagojevich said the charges against him were generated out a sea of lies, fabrications and evidence.
If he's not careful, Blagojevich could give corruption a bad name. Of course, he's got a pretty bad name to begin with.
At this point, it looks like charges could be filed against Blagojevich... but its expected that prosecutors will let his hair walk.
Blagojevich is in such denial. Ask him how things are going and he'll smile and say, "Impeachy!"
Blagojevich is hoping to save his good name by becoming the final line in an eye chart.
My buddy Pat Gorse had a great line about Blagojevich's impeachment vote. "It was 59-0...or, as the Clippers call it, halftime!"
Disney has announced cutbacks of 5% at ABC television. It's going to mean a few changes in your favorite TV shows. For example, "Ugly Betty" is now just "Homely Betty." Or course, it's now "Just Slightly Desperate Housewives"... and get ready for "Dancing with the Stars' Stunt Doubles."
It turns out that mother in California who gave birth to octuplets already had six kids and is living with her folks. I think we can safely rule out college right now, today.
Well, scratch Guantanamo Bay off our list of future vacation spots.
The bad news: those pictures of Michael Phelps smoking a bong may hurt his chances getting into the Olympics, but he's a shoo-in for the next Cheech 'n Chong movie.
I've already got the title: "Cheech 'n Chong go for the Olympic Acapulco Gold."
When asked for a comment, a spokesman for Michael Phelps replied, "Dave's not here."
Boy, times have changed. Like the other night, with only 35-seconds left in the game and Arizona down by 4, what does their quarterback Kurt Warner do? He applies for a government bailout. It's just not like it used to be...
It figures that Pittsburgh won the Superbowl. I mean, you look what's been going on in the banking system and with Wall Street and it's just been a good year for stealers.
I blame my over-eating at the Superbowl on all the attention Jessica Simpson has been getting over packing on a few pounds. I think, subconsciously, I wanted that attention. Now all I've got is a tight belt.
Time to get out there and hit all the "After Ground Hog's Day Sales."
Olympic Gold Medalist Michael Phelps was photographed using a bong. What's a bong? (OK, I had to try)
Actually, this sheds a lot of light on his training routine. At least now we know HOW he'd consume 12,000 calories in a day.
Monday, by the way, was "Ground Hog's Day." That day when the groundhog comes out of his hole after a long winter and then asks for a government bailout.
Actually, they're saying we're going to get six more weeks of winter, because when the groundhog came out of his hole, he not only saw his shadow, but someone threw a shoe at him.
What is the deal about throwing shoes? It's not only to be long before famous people are only going to speak at places surrounded by broken glass.
The good news: Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich's hair got up this morning and didn't see his shadow. Otherwise, it would have meant six more weeks of impeachment hearings.
President Obama has announced more details on his financial recovery plan, which will be a combination of reducing taxes for the working poor and getting his cabinet members to actually pay theirs.
The U.S. Postal Service says they're on the brink and could run out of cash as soon as later this year. I think it's pretty obvious as to what they need to do: become a bank!
Sorry if my voice sounds a little raspy. I spent the whole morning yelling at my Director of Photography.
President Obama says if one more cabinet nominee has tax problems, he's going to have Christian Bale yell at 'em!
Now THAT'S a government Bale-out!
We heard the other day that the Groundhog saw his shadow which means six more weeks of winter. Actually, before he could see his shadow, he thought he saw Christian Bale and didn't want to get yelled at!
What we need to do is have Christian Bale yell at Michael Phelps on what a stupid thing he did and we'll all feel better.
This really does redefine what "Christian-like behavior" is....
A South Carolina Sheriff says if those pot-smoking pictures of Michael Phelps were taken at the University of South Carolina, Phelps could face criminal charges. Swim for it, Michael!
Angelina Jolie says she's planning to be pregnant by the end of the upcoming summer. Next time you bump into Brad Pitt, expect a high-five!
There's so much bad news out there, how about if we focus on something positive. For example, earlier today, Christian Bale bought himself a new Harley, using money from his swear jar. Of course, not all of it….
President Obama is going to take to the national airwaves to push his economic recovery package. The Republicans are trying to hire Jack Bauer to try and stop him. Monday nights, Jack usually wins…
Natalie Cole turns 59 today, which begs the question, "How do you gift wrap a kidney?"
TOP FIVE EXPLANATIONS FOR CHRISTIAN BALE'S MELTDOWN
1. Planning to change first name from Christian to Hellboy
2. Someone's trying to give up coffee!
3. It was all for a Southwest Airlines "Wanna get away" commercial
4. He had just bought Michael Phelps stock
5. He's a vegetarian and he was thinkin' Arby's
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE IN DEEP DOO-DOO
1. You haven't looked yet, but you just heard something hit the fan
2. You said a prayer, but got God's answering machine
3. Superman says, "Not my problem"
4. Your Allstate agent just said "Use your own hands"
5. Jack Bauer is holding up a white flag
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim
PS--Don't miss this week's E-Mail of the Week offering some great, worldly observations.
PSPS--Something new! It's my very own, long-threatened, now-actually-a-reality blog page. I look forward to hearing what YOU have to say: Click here