This Week's Wacks
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It's Friday the 13th of February, 2009
It's "Friday the 13th". The day reminds me of a movie, but I can't think of the name of it.
Since it is "Friday the 13th", if you do know anyone named "Jason", I wouldn't tick 'em off….just in case…..
In Canada, a 60-year-old woman has given birth to twins. She's named them "AM Nurse" and "PM Nurse."
Another casualty from those bong-smoking pictures: Michael Phelps has lost his spokesperson gig with Kelloggs. A spokesperson for Phelps was quoted as saying, "That's just GRRRRRRREAT!" (say it like Tony the Tiger)
Michael Phelps relationship with Kellogg's has gone up in smoke.
His mom used to always tell him, "You made your pool, now swim in it!"
What a difference a week can make. Remember back when we talked about Michael Phelps' Olympic Gold, we were talking about a medal he won.
A new study out of England says that cows who are given names produce more milk than un-named cows... except when you name them something like Ribeye, Sir Loin and New York Cut.
Ticketmaster and Live Nation are talking about a merger. We'd tell you more, but there's a huge service charge.
In Florida, a 51-year-old was arrested after being caught making out in public... with a couple of blow-up dolls. Interestingly enough, he belonged to AAA, just in case he ever got a flat.
Well, they were saying Chris Brown could be the next Bobby Brown. They didn't know how right they were.
My wife is really upset with the whole Chris Brown thing and reminded me that domestic violence is nothing to make jokes about. She says if I write one Chris Brown joke, she's going to punch me. OW!
So then, I'll just have to write two. OW again!
This just in: New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez has just now officially changed his nickname from "A-Rod" to "A-Roid"!
An expert says that, within ten years, we'll be able to show TV on contact lenses. Those 42-inch plasma lenses might be a little painful, but MAN, what a picture!
Al Gore won a Grammy for the "Best Spoken Word" category. He invented the Grammy's, you know...
This is the second award Al Gore has received. The first was "Album of the Year" from the American Society of Insomniacs.
Alex Rodriguez has admitted he took steroids from 2001 until 2003. Major League Baseball announced their harshest punishment yet in dealing with steroids: an even larger asterisk next to his name every time he shows up in the record book.
A-Rod says what he did was stupid. Well, as my momma always said, "Stupid is as $25-million a year does."
Rodriguez said he didn't take the performance-enhancing drug to help him in baseball. It was in the hope that some day, he might get lucky with Madonna.
Just about time for baseball to fire up Spring training. The Yankees added some new faces, but their infield will look familiar. Jeter at shortstop, Cheater at Third...
The 133rd Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show was held in New York this week. It's been a life-long dream of mine to, some day, go to that event...with a cat. You'll probably hear about it when I do.
A new study says that a Mediterranean-style diet -- fish, olive oil, veggies -- could help reduce the risk of getting dementia. Of course, when I think of mentally stable people, the Middle East is the first place that comes to mind.
When you think about it, President Barack Obama has a hell of a tough job. He's gotta deal with our country's economic mess, his mother-in-law lives with him and most days he has to explain what Joe Biden really meant.
John Mayer's birthday gift to girlfriend Jennifer Aniston for her 40th birthday was a song he wrote and performed for her. Cheapskate.
Jennifer's response? "That was beautiful, just beautiful. OK, fun's fun... now, what about my REAL gift?"
Oh, Wednesday was Sarah Palin's 45th birthday and I missed it. Perfect!
Muzak, the elevator music people, have filed for bankruptcy. A lot of ups and downs in that business...
NASA scientists say there has been a collision between two communications satellites---one American and one Russian. An eyewitness says that both were on their cell phones at the time.
Former Illinois Rod Blagojevich is lashing out at the lawmakers who removed him from office, calling them "drunkards and adulterers who don't know how to do their jobs". I'll agree with the first two, but the fact he's no longer in office means he's wrong about the third one.
The TV show "Lost" has really gotten into the whole time-travel thing. I think I've been watching it too much. Most of this week, I felt like I was trapped in Monday.
A new study claims that the average teenager spends 31 hours a week on-line: two of those hours watching porn. Let me be the first to say, "Kids today have it so easy."
Brett Favre announced his second retirement, tying the record set by Michael Jordan.
Brett says the first thing he's going to do is work on getting his last name spelled right.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. That day every year when guys head for the 7-11 store while yelling, "Crap! That's today?"
They now say it's going to be at least two years before the next "Batman" movie. Of course, the toughest challenge is going to be finding a Director of Photography that'll work with Christian Bale.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE GOING THROUGH FOOTBALL WITHDRAWAL
1. You look on Facebook to see if John Madden will be your friend
2. You cry all Sunday afternoon
3. Only guy in the office with his own cheerleaders
4. You set up your Outlook to give you a "Two minute warning" before lunch
5. You make all your major decisions with a coin toss
TOP FIVE HIGHLIGHTS OF LAST WEEKEND'S GRAMMY AWARDS
1. U2 revealed that, all this time, we've been mispronouncing their name. It's actually Uh-2
2. Katy Perry dissed a girl
3. Kid Rock said he's changing his name to Man Rock
4. Miley Cyrus was, like, totally cool!
5. Radiohead announced they were adding a new member and the group would have a new name: Radiohead & Shoulders.
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim
PS--Don't miss this week's E-Mail of the Week that tells a classic story
PSPS--Something new! It's my very own, long-threatened, now-actually-a-reality blog page. I look forward to hearing what YOU have to say: Click here