This Week's Wacks

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March 6th, 2009

Happy Sexo de Marcho!

"Mythbusters" Kari Bryon is pregnant! Sounds like she's proven that fact.

The Obama administration is considering August 31st, 2010, the end date for the Iraq war. That'll give us plenty of time to get the "Mission: Accomplished" banner to the dry cleaners.

Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson are said to be back together again. Let's see, what do they call that again? Oh yeah: every father's worst nightmare!

Discount airline Ryanair is considering pay toilets on its flights. $1 per use. The best thing to do would be not drinking any liquids before flying with them... or, you could just be pissing away your money.

Not my joke, but it's going around: In honor of Nadya Suleman the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal: You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.

The bad news: forecasters say that New York City could see as much as 14-inches of snow. The good news: the new snow tax is in effect!

Pretty wild getting one of those Nor-Easters so close to Easter.

The smart Christian is the one that gave up shoveling snow for Lent. "Oh, sorry... can't do that."

The secret to a long marriage? According to a new survey, it's a two-year age gap, four kisses a day and sex three times a week. Guess I'll start with telling everyone my wife is two years older... then I'll work on getting those other numbers up.

A lot of concern on Wall Street these days, with the big question: "How low will it go?" -- Recession-type low? Or, are we talking President Bush approval ratings-type low?

Pete Wentz of Fallout Boy is so convinced that someone is going to kill him that he won't answer his own front door... which, of course, means I'm going to have to adjust my plans... ...

Halle Berry's new fragrance comes out this week and it's called... "Halle." Where do they get these crazy names from?

Prince's next three-album set will be available exclusively at Target. The even better news: Prince will NOT.

We make the switch to Daylight Saving Time this weekend. Yep, Saturday night is the night we "spring ahead." Just think of it as a Standard Time bailout program.

A West Virginia lawmaker has proposed a bill that would ban the sales of Barbie dolls because they place too much importance on physical beauty. I'll bet his wife has "a great personality"!

Can the West Virginia Barbie be far behind? Car on blocks, removable love handles and teeth sold separately.

Word is that Bill Gates has banned all Apple computer products from his home. To counter, Apple founder Steven Jobs doesn't allow any of his computers to run slow or display blue screens of death.

"Dancing with the Stars" champ Helio Castroneves is in a tax evasion trial and if found guilty, could face prison time... and a whole new type of dancing lessons.

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is going to get a "six-figure" sum to write a book about the "dark side of politics." Obviously, whoever said "Crime doesn't pay" didn't have a very good agent.

A Massachusetts man has been fined $500 for assaulting a Chuck E. Cheese mouse. You know, if we each kick in a dollar, he could probably get a couple of more punches in.

The Wall Street Journal says there's a 20% chance our economy could go into an actual depression. That goes up to 40% if Paris Hilton makes "The Hottie and the Nottie 2".

John McCain's daughter, Meghan, has blogged that last year's election basically killed her love life.  I'm sure the secret service agent in the back seat didn't help.

No, seriously: do we have to wait until Sunday to turn the clocks ahead an hour?  Every little bit helps get me closer to the weekend.

Paula Abdul is being sued by a woman who fell and was injured while walking on a broken sidewalk at her home.  Apparently, the woman plans to win the suit and as far as Paula's house goes:  she wants to make it her own!

Oprah Winfrey has adopted a new puppy and it's doing quite well, according to the dog's personal trainer's assistant.

She constantly has to remind the dog to stay off the couch, so she's treating just like Tom Cruise!

Scientists say that an asteroid barely avoided hitting the earth this week.  Apparently, the reason it came so close was that it was hoping for bailout money.


   1. "Timeshare at Witch Mountain"
   2. "OK, maybe he's sorta that into you"
   3. "The Jonas Brothers in 4-D"
   4. "Paul Blart: Mall Sergeant"
   5. "Slumdog Billionaires"


   1. You always say the word like this (yell) "COFFEE!"
   2. You were Edgy and Agitated Magazine's "Man of the Year!"
   3. Your kids are named Yuban, Starbucks and Folgers
   4. When you had your oil changed, you instructed the mechanic to leave room for cream
   5. You listed Juan Valdez as a dependent on your taxes

                                               LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?                        

PS--Don't miss this week's E-Mail of the Week which spotlights some newspaper bloopers

PSPS--Something new!  It's my very own, long-threatened, now-actually-a-reality blog page.  I look forward to hearing what YOU have to say: Click here