This Week's Wacks

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March 13th, 2009

For the second month in a row, we have ANOTHER Friday the 13th.  But economic times are tough. Today, Jason announced he's slaying off seven victims.

Itís Friday the 13thÖthe most unlucky day of the year, if you donít include April the 15th.

Neil Sedaka turns 70 today.  Heís now at the age where waking up is hard to do.

Scientists are saying that "Artificial Life" could be a reality within five years.  Great news for fans of the Sci-Fi Channel who don't have one.

President Obama signed a measure this week creating "The White House Council on Women & Girls".  President Clinton had a similar-sounding council, but it was for an entirely different purpose.

One of my favorites, Jorge Nunez, was voted off "American Idol" this week.  Goodbye, Jorge.  We hardly knew Jou.

Octo-mom Nadya Suleman is moving into a $565,000 home that her dad bought for her. That's not that great. With 14 kids and only three bathrooms in the house, in just a few years, the odds are going to be 5-1 against there being a bathroom open when you really need one.

A new study says that depression can lead to a heart attack. Well, THAT'S depressing. Oh-oh... ...

The government of Bangladesh has officially banned the website YouTube. I'm pretty sure it was the "Charlie bit me" one that put them over the top.

There are now over 6,000 games available for the I-Phone. No wonder you can't get any work done!

Prince Charles has been named the World's Best Dressed Man in the World by British Esquire. He couldn't believe his ears, either.

Brain scans of religious and non-religious people have indicated that the religious people are less anxious. I wish they'd hurry up and tell us why! I mean, NOW!

The study went on to show that religious people required fewer qualifications for their vice-presidential candidates.

Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani say they bathe together to help save water and the environment. Oh brother, Gavin -- what a sacrifice! You HAVE to take a bath with Gwen Stefani. Like there aren't other earth-conscience people out here who wouldn't be willing to do it for the greater cause!

Hours before taking the stage in Miami, Britney Spears visited a local Children's hospitals and helped a lot of kids realize that, even though they may be sick, they can be very thankful that she's not their mother.

A meeting has been set up next month in which President Obama will get a private audience with Britain's Queen Elizabeth. She'd like the president to explain once and for all to Oprah that SHE is the queen.

There's a new swingset up at the White House for the Obama girls. This will mark the first time there have been swingers at the White House since the Clinton administration.

There are now 4.1-billion cell phones in the world, enough for half of the world's population. According to the study, the people who own cell phones are usually the ones driving in front of you.

The Senate wants to allow the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation to temporarily borrow as much as $500 billion from the Treasury Department. How do I become a member F.D.I.C.?

If no buyers of the Seattle PI are found soon, the newspaper could cease to exist later this month. However, some employees are trying to keep it alive as a subscription-only website. The trick is figuring out how to get the newspaper boy to leave your computer screen in the bushes every morning.

A new University of Pittsburgh study says that people with positive attitudes tend to live longer. More bad news for Cubs fans.

A Norwegian friend of mine just said something funny: It takes a viking to raze a village.

According to a new survey, people who live in Utah are the happiest people in the United States. Apparently they don't know what we're saying about them.

A New Jersey man claims that a psychic swindled him out of $250,000. In the psychic's defense, she did predict that an unscrupulous person would take his money.

This is the weekend that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson move up their fights by one hour.

If you have kids getting ready to go to college and they haven't chosen a career yet, I've gotta think there's quite a future in becoming an official interpreter for Paula Abdul.

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU HAVE TOO MANY CHILDREN

   1. You have one for each letter of the alphabet
   2. Half the forest needs to be cut down to make enough paper for Mother's Day cards
   3. They've formed their own Little League
   4. You have so many children you don't know what to do
   5. You live in a shoe

TOP FIVE BENEFITS OF DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME

   1. You get to read your car's manual again to remind you how to change that friggin' dashboard clock
   2. Everyone has something new to complain about besides the economy
   3. You're able to head home in rush hour traffic and see it all
   4. It's later sooner (OK, it confuses me)
   5. Upcoming Easter Sunrise Service at a more reasonable hour

TOP FIVE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT EASTER

   1. Only lasts two months: half as long as the Christmas season!
   2. There are no Easter carolers
   3. No reindeer droppings to clean off the roof
   4. Giant Bunny much easier to explain than Jolly Fat Guy from North Pole
   5. No Easter trees to put up

                                               LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?                        
       
                                               Tim

PS--Don't miss this week's E-Mail of the Week which will test your TV & Movie theme knowledge

PSPS--Something new!  It's my very own, long-threatened, now-actually-a-reality blog page.  I look forward to hearing what YOU have to say: Click here