This Week's Wacks
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March 20th, 2009
The Sears Tower in Chicago will get a new name this summer: the Willis Tower. I can't wait for the first time the air conditioning goes out and the head maintenance guy yells out, "What's wrong with you, Willis?"
Casino magnate Steve Wynn and wife Elaine are getting a divorce. There's much joy in lawyer-ville.
This could end up being the first Wynn-Wynn situation where nobody's happy.
Researchers in London say they're getting closer to being able to read people's minds. You know, I thought the same thing...
Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan became a U.S. citizen last week. He celebrated by circling the carpet three times and sitting down.
NBC says they won't be doing "Where in the world is Matt Lauer?" on the Today Show this year because of the economy. They've renamed that part of the show, "Matt's right over there!"
Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day, the day you could get pinched if you're not wearing green or standing too close to Collin Farrell.
A woman in Montana has received a postcard 47 years after it was mailed. The Post Office said, "See! Our new express service IS working!"
Another tape has been released by Al Qaeda. In this one, Osama bin Laden announced that he's breaking up with Jennifer Aniston.
President Obama is on the "Tonight Show" tomorrow night. Rush Limbaugh has already announced that he hopes the show fails.
Dick Cheney's wife Lynne was rushed to a Philadelphia hospital Monday night after she fainted. Apparently she was overwhelmed during a ceremony where her husband was receiving a heart from the Wizard.
Adult film star Jenna Jameson gave birth to twin boys Monday. Talk about traveling down a well-worn path. Can I say that?
At Jessica Simpson's concert last Saturday night, she forgot the words to her songs... twice. My guess is, she was thinkin' Arby's.
A new "MacGyver" movie is being made... out of a few coat hangers, some film and a clothespin.
Octomom Nadya Suleman brought home the first two babies of her octuplets from the hospital. Boy, that'll change things! You know how quiet the house can be with only six kids at home.
The Seattle PI has stopped printing a newspaper and now is only available on-line. This is going to mean a lot more work for that kid from the newspaper -- now he has to get up every morning and put my computer monitor in the bushes.
Sarah Jessica Parker is going to a $105 an hour psychic to see if she can improve her marriage to Matthew Broderick. I have a feeling that money would be better spent on a private detective. Wow, I must be psychic!
I just helped one of my tax dollars pack for his trip to Bermuda, or where ever one of those AIG execs are staying.
Let's see, what could AIG stand for? Ain't it Great? Aid is gone?
I think the ultimate insult would be for an AIG exec winning my March Madness pool.
President Bush has given his first speech as a private citizen up in Canada. There were no injuries and he found his way out OK.
The name of his speech was "Dick Cheney made me do it!"
Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner is recovering after hip surgery. You'll know the players are getting too old when you hear they have an official walker of the NFL.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU CAUGHT THE UNLUCKIEST LEPRECHAUN
1. First thing he says is, "Sorry, but I gave my pot of gold to Bernie Madoff"
2. He introduced Jennifer Aniston to Brad Pitt
3. He introduced John Mayer to Jennifer Aniston
4. He's allergic to four-leaf clovers
5. He's wearing a green Cubs hat
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME ON THE COMPUTER
1. You blame McAfee for allowing a virus in when you get sick
2. You bought the very first computer bed
3. You refer to hot dogs as "YouTube Steaks"
4. Sign on scenic road says "Vista" and you stop to check e-mail
5. At lunch, you try to right-click the roll
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim
PS--Don't miss this week's E-Mail of the Week to experience snorkeling in South Dakota
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