This Week's Wacks
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April 3rd, 2009
Two more of the California octuplets have gone home. That makes a total of either 2, 4 or 6 that have gone home so far. No one can keep count.
By the way, the National Enquirer reports that Octo-mom Nadya Suleman had a brief stint as a stripper in a men's club. Then, when one guy came up and tucked eight $1 into her G-string she said, "Ooh... I've got an idea!"
In Saudi Arabia, Muslim clerics want to ban all women from appearing on television. That explains why their #1 show is just titled "Gilmore."
In Florida, a woman was arrested after calling 9-1-1 THREE TIMES because her roommate was trying to take her beer away from her. In her defense, it was Bud Light.
New stats show that dogs and cats accidentally trip people and cause 85,000 accidents a year. Well, who among us has not blamed the dog? At least once...
President Obama announced his bailout plan for GM, Ford and Chrysler on Monday. Apparently, they didn't go for my idea, which was BUILD A BETTER CAR!
Madonna is trying to adopt another African orphan this week. I don't know about you, but I refuse to get caught up in that whole "keeping up with the Jolie-Pitt" thing.
Shoot! I forgot to observe "Earth Hour" last Saturday night and stop using electricity for 60 minutes. Guess I'll just have to take off an hour early from work today... for the planet, of course...
Al Gore turns 61 this week! Go ahead, Al: light all those candles... then lets global warming!
A California food processor plans to recall one million pounds of pistachios. Bottom line: watch your nuts!
What's that old line? When God was creating the world, he shook the tree of life and all the fruits and nuts ended up in California.
Wednesday was April Fools' Day--the day that the IRS loves to call you up and tell you that you're getting a refund. They're so cruel....
This was the week that a lot of people were worried their computers might get that Conficker virus. Imagine waking up and being afraid that you might have caught a virus. At least for just for a moment, you could feel like A-Rod.
They could have picked a more menacing name for this computer worm. Conficker sounds like something that would be said by the same person who says, "Dab gum it!"
The price of gas has gone up almost a dime a gallon the past week: April Fuels!
The EPA is going to test the air of schools in 22 states to see if there are any harmful chemicals floating around. Of course, they'll steer clear of the boys' room... where toxic chemicals have been coming out for years...
At the G-20 summit, President Obama met with the leaders of China and Russia for the first time. Both were pushing Obama to embrace a new global currency and to settle all of their country's differences in the future with a bowling tournament.
All this talk about a Conficker computer virus. I'm just now finally ready for Y2K!
Steve Wozniak and Holly Madison were eliminated on "Dancing with the Stars" this week. Yep, the Apple and the pair.
President Obama's aunt won't be deported back to Kenya and will be given until next February to appear in court and argue why she should be allowed to stay in the United States. Boy, I wonder who she knows?
The President and Mrs. Obama gave Britain's Queen Elizabeth a video I-Pod when they met. The queen gave the president an autographed picture of herself and her husband. It's good to be queen.
Former Seattle Supersonic James Donaldson is running for mayor of Seattle. Forget the debates, how about instead of a game of "Horse" the candidates play a game of "M-A-Y-O-R"?
I miss "E.R.".
Megan Joy was voted off "American Idol" this week. You could see that disappointment was written all over her face…since there wasn't any room to write anything on her right arm.
She'll now focus her efforts on her new organization, "People for the right to bare arms and have them tattooed."
The complete second season of "Pushing Daisies" comes out in July and I'm shocked: Who knew there was a second season?
Finally, some good economic news. A new report says one company saw profits go up 400% this past year. OK, so it's the "Foreclosure" sign industry...but it's still good news!
The major league baseball season begins this weekend. Right now is the time that Cubs fans say, "Wait until the year after this next year."
The hospital where Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman's litter was born has fired 15 medical staffers for looking into her private medical records. 15 people…that's like, oh, two deliveries' worth!
The federal income tax deadline is less than two weeks away. I probably should think about getting started.
Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks has cut her hair really short. Somewhere between Samantha Ronson and Britney Spears having a breakdown.
TOP FIVE BENEFITS OF WI-FI ON AIRLINE FLIGHTS
1. "Dear Domino's, about that 30-minutes or less promise... "
2. Now I can take "Charlie bit me" with me, everywhere I go.
3. Look, flight attendant... I've already written the complaint letter. Free drinks or I hit 'send'.
4. Cool. A whole jet-load full of new Facebook friends!
5. You can now e-kick the person's chair in front of you
TOP FIVE WORST EXCUSES FOR NOT COMING INTO WORK
1. You know Jay over in accounting? I've got a bad case of Jayfever
2. I want to be the first Wal-Mart greeter that telecommutes
3. I woke and could have sworn it was Sunday
4. The water in the shower wouldn't get hot
5. The dog ate my car
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim
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