This Week's Wacks

702 WACKS and still goin'!

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April 24th, 2009

Hillary Clinton says the U.S. is ready to talk to Cuba. Boy, I hope this doesn't have to do with that old Lewinski/Cigar thing again.

I still can't believe John Madden is retiring from football broadcasting. Of course, think of how much oil the country will stop needing with the Madden Cruiser parked in his driveway.

Iranian scientists claim they have cloned a goat. Thank God we're getting close to solving the world goat shortage!

Amy Winehouse wants to write a children's book. For the record, the phrase "role model" never even got close to my brain.

Frank Sinatra's "My Way" is the number one song at funerals in Great Britain. I don't know where "Another One Bites the Dust" comes in....

Miss North Carolina USA Kristen Dalton was crowned Miss USA 2009 on Sunday. She hopes to go on and become even more famous than last year's winner... uh... hmm... somebody.

Actor Bill Murray hit a woman in the head with a golf ball in Tampa Bay. The embarrassing part is that he was playing in Miami.

The #1 movie in the country is "17 Again."....which also happens to describe the balance of my 401K.  A friend of mine said yesterday that hes calling his a 201K these days.

President Obama experienced some great success overseas. He not only thawed relations with Venezuela, he was also successfully adopted by Madonna.

A new British study claims that overweight people are causing global warming--big-eaters mean more food production -- a major cause of CO2 gas emissions warming the planet. Plus, overweight people are also more likely to drive, adding to environmental damage. The answer, to me, is so obvious: edible smog! With sprinkles!

Mel Gibson has been granted a new judge to preside over his divorce case. He's hoping this one has a better definition of "half."

Like Madonna always says, "If you fall off a horse, just get back up on it and adopt another child!"

The governor of Texas says that the state could secede from the U.S. if it wanted to. Imagine the cost... just in redoing all the U.S. flags alone!

They'd have to re-word the country song, "All my ex's live out of the country."

Then again, with President Bush retired down there, wouldn't it be ironic if the U.S. invaded Texas, just for the oil?

A lot of people are outraged after the father of one of the kids from "Slumdog Millionaire" tried to sell his daughter to an undercover reporter. Madonna and Angelina Jolie are furious -- both say they didn't even know there was a sale!

Big Brother host and The Early Show contributor Julie Chen is pregnant with their her first child with CBS President Les Moonves. No word yet if there will be any spinoffs.

I'd be afraid to be the child of a network president. What if you ended up getting bumped by a mid-season replacement?

President Obama announced a new branch of the government today that will use all of America's resources and do whatever it takes to try and make contact with Paula Abdul. Good luck, she's WAY out there!

Yesterday was Earth Day, which is a lot like St. Patrick's Day... but instead of drinking green, you're THINKING green... and, the next day: no hangover!

A controversial fertility doctor says the first cloned human baby will be born within the next two years. You know what this means: keep Andy Dick away from the lab at all costs!

Seattle now has it's own team in the Lingerie Football League. The Seattle Mist's home opener will be against the San Diego Seduction on September 11th. This is the league where every play gets several replays, whether it was a good play or not.

GM says it's going to close a lot of their factories during the summer months. Most employees say they'll probably use the time off to see the USA....(everybody sing) in a Chevrolet....the one they got, instead of pay.....

President Obama met with the CEO's of credit card companies on Thursday to discuss "deceptive practices." I'm going to assume that means the president was going to criticize theirs, not learn new ones.

The U.S. Army announced this week they will no longer accept drug addicts and felons. The NBA announced the same thing, but that was because they had already met their quota.

They've got a new iPhone app out called "Phone Call" that actually lets you use your iPhone to call someone. What won't they think of next?

Susan Boyle now admits she was joking when she said that she had never been kissed... and we were acting like we believed her as part of OUR joke.

TOP FIVE WAYS YOU DIDN'T DO A GOOD JOB OF CELEBRATING EARTH DAY

#1)        For lunch, served an "Endangered Species" salad
#2)        Left carbon footprints AND handprints everywhere
#3)        Printed up 1,000 Earth Day flyers on paper made from rain forest wood
#4)        Spelled out "Happy Earth Day" in your yard with flaming coal
#5)        Went to the rally in your Hummer

TOP FIVE DEEP, DARK SECRETS ABOUT SIMON COWELL

#1)        He was born on October 7th, but didn't hatch until October 10th
#2)        He only helps little old ladies across the street when the light is red.
#3)        Once said to Susan Boyle, "That's beautiful. Now turn around and let's see your face"
#4)        The wizard refused to give him a heart
#5)         He has no reflection in the mirror

                                               LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?                        
       
                                               Tim

PS--Don't miss this week's E-Mail of the Week and see what Jet Blue is offering!

PSPS-- You never know what you'll find me rambling about next--It's my very own, long-threatened, now-actually-a-reality blog page.  I look forward to hearing what YOU have to say: Click here