Of course, today is May 1st! Monday is a big day. Not only my wife's birthday (39 AGAIN) but also the day I'll be running around, saying "May the 4th be with you!" Avoid me at all costs.
Oh, I thought they were saying "Wine Flu." You mean I gave up drinking for nothing?
The good news: President Obama managed not to bowl a single gutter ball over the weekend. Only problem was... he was golfing.
Pope Benedict XVI has announced five new saints. I do think New Orleans goes a little over the top on NFL draft day.
His holiness did not say when the saints would come marching in...
Iranian President Ahmadinejad is complaining that President Obama's not returning his messages. Well, maybe the president hasn't thought of a good excuse yet for not attending the basket party.
Jackie Chan has announced that he'll soon begin working on his 100th movie. OK, to be more accurate, his 98th movie, if you don't include "Rush Hour 2 and 3"
The American Lung Association says that 60% of Americans live in areas with unhealthy air... and, if they may be honest, the other 40% they couldn't see.
The Somali Pirates took this week off... but Senator Arlen Specter jumped ship!
Republicans are busy trying to set up a meeting between Arlen Specter... and Phil Spector.
Tuesday was "Rat Pack Night" on American Idol, as the contestants sang songs made famous by the execs collecting bonuses at AIG.
GM has announced that they're doing away with the Pontiac brand and it will soon go the way of the Washington Nationals. What? They're still around?
FOX has refused turning over their network to the president for a press conference Wednesday night and, instead, will run an episode of their show "Lie to me." It'll be up to you to tell the difference.
Weird times. Today, I saw Jason trading in his hockey mask for a flu mask.
I went to a production of "The Phantom of the Opera" and the Phantom was wearing a flu mask.
I saw Michael Jackson and he was wearing a flu mask on top of his regular mask.
GM has announced that they going to stop making Pontiacs and that they're breaking up with Jennifer Aniston.
The Octo-mom, Nadya Suleman, got a tattoo over the weekend with 14 stars, one for each of her children. It's like each kid getting their own star on a mini-walk of fame.
Scientists have used a powerful telescope to take a picture of the most distant object from the earth ever photographed. Surprisingly, it looks a lot like Paula Abdul!
My mind is scary. Every now and then, the most insane questions pop into my brain... like, just a moment ago, I was wondering: Is there a Lord Gaga?
I just realized that next year, Earth Day will turn 40 years old... and that's when things start falling apart.
I thought it was interesting that GM is now offering job-loss insurance on their cars... so that if you lose your job after you buy your GM car, they'll make the payments for you! The interesting part is that GM employees are not allowed to take part. I'm not feeling the confidence...
A new study says that smokers who have anger management classes have a better chance of quitting for good. Hey, they didn't have that kind of research when I was smoking! That makes me angry! God, I feel like a cigarette!
Vice-President Joe Biden said in an interview he wouldn't fly or take any trains for now with the fast-spreading Swine Flu out there. The travel industry has sent the vice-president a frothing-at-the-mouth 'Thank You' pig.
This Swine Flu thing has everyone afraid of going out there and catching something. It makes me feel like Alex Rodriguez.
Time Magazine has once again announced their list of the 100 most influential people in the world. What would have been more useful would have been a list of the 100 most influenza people in the world.
I missed "31-cent Scoop Night" at Baskin-Robbins this week. I think it conflicted with "Bust the Buffet" night at King's Table.
TOP FIVE 2009 EDITIONS OF SOME OLD SLOGANS
1. "All work and no play pretty much sums it up, doesn't it?"
2. "If you can't stand the Heat, cheer for the Lakers"
3. "Too many cooks is what it takes to run the Food Network"
4. "A penny saved is close to the balance in my 401K"
5. "A bird in the hand is a great way to catch the bird flu"
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU MIGHT HAVE THE SWINE FLU
1. The doctor says you have the Swine Flu and the-uh-thee-that's all folks!
2. For some reason, you've got this strange desire to roll around in mud