This Week's Wacks

705 WACKS and still goin'!

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May 8th, 2009

Supreme Court Justice David Souter has announced he's going to retire next month. Now President Obama has to find someone of the same fair-minded caliber, who believes in truth and fairness and who has paid his taxes.

Heidi Klum says she's pregnant with her and Seal's fourth child... but this will be it, guaranteed. I believe that means that more than just a "kiss from a rose" is in store for Seal.

Leaders in Mexico say that Swine Flu is pretty rampant down there, but at least they're not Cubs fans. I'm sure that's the disease talkin'...

A new study claims that eating fatty foods actually helps improve your memory. I guess that way you'll better remember what you looked like when you were skinny.

Kelly McGillis -- Tom Cruise's girlfriend in "Top Gun" -- has announced that SHE is now gay. She also admitted having a crush on Sarah Palin and asked her to "Take me to bed or lose me forever" because she's such a Maverick". (Thanks Thomas)

World Health Organization has announced they're no longer calling it "Swine Flu," but instead H1N1. In a related story, Dave Grohl announced that he's changing the name of his band to the Flu Fighters.

A Seattle man is suing Starbucks, saying he was eating one of their breakfast sandwiches and bit a rusty nail. Ironically that night, a guy at a bar was drinking his Rusty Nail when he bit into a sandwich.

Mother's Day is coming up. I'm tossed between getting her a Swine Flu mask or applying for a government bailout for her.

Looks like this year's perfect Mother's Day gift is going to be Tamiflu.

Seattle celebrated the opening of "Boating Season" last weekend. I usually don't pay much attention to it until the playoffs.

Maybe I'm being too vindictive, but isn't about time that the scientists developed a human flu that the animals can catch?

Catholics are upset with Ron Howard's new movie, "Angels and Demons." If only they had known this was coming... like, if there had been a book written about this back in 1995...

Engineers in Detroit they're getting really close to developing a car that operates completely on David Hasselhoff's breath.

Tuesday was "National Teacher's Day" and "Cinco de Mayo." The Spanish phrase that comes to my mind is "O lay offs!"

Former "Dallas" star Victoria Principal is being sued for allegedly pulling a gun on her maid who took too long to walk her dog. I know that's why I pack heat.

You would have thought they would have come out with Chocolate-covered Tamiflu in time for Mother's Day... ...

Ozzy Osbourne admits that he was high most of the time he worked on his reality TV show. Then I say we take back the Emmy!

Actually, I'm shocked: MOST of the time? I thought it was 100% of the time.

The world's largest rabbit has died in the U.K.. He weighed 42-pounds and was called "sir".

Paula Abdul has confessed that she recently kicked a 12-year painkiller addiction. You mean she's like this, straight?

Paula Abdul has told the latest issue of Ladies Home Journal magazine that she recently kicked a 12-year drug addiction. Not a reporter... she told an actual magazine about her addiction. Fortunately there was someone near by to write it all down.

In the interview, Paula says that she only makes 5% of what Simon earns... minus, of course, what she has to pay Randy Jackson so that she can repeat everything he says.

Kirstie Alley, talking about the 80-pounds she has packed back on, says "She fell off the horse."  What's scarier is that now, we can't find the horse.

Chris Brown celebrated his 20th birthday earlier this week.  It just hit me.

Mother's Day is this Sunday.  I can't wait to give her that coupon for a free lunch at KFC from me and Oprah.

Actually, I got mom a position on the board of one of those sub-prime lending banks.  I just hope they stay in business until Sunday.

A group of scientists in London have created a car that runs on the waste made from chocolate factories.  I can hear the commercial now:  "Come drive the new Nissan Zit!!"

Elizabeth Edwards appeared on Oprah Thursday.  She talked about his cheating on her, his love child and the fact that her free lunch coupon at KFC was refused.

Allison was voted off American Idol this week.  Of course, now the big question is: Which non-Adam contestant will be voted off next week?


   1. New President "Zelbaub of Planet Karidian" says not to worry
   2. Michael Jackson feels at home
   3. Bumpersticker on car in front of you: "Aliens rule, humans drool"
   4. Team made up of 20-foot tall beings dominating NBA
   5. Country's new national anthem: "We are delicious"


   1. "Jurassic Pork"
   2. "Little Pig Man"
   3. "Oink Misbehavin'" with Kevin Bacon and Hugh Grunt
   4. "Wild, but sick Hogs"
   5. "The Days of Swine & Roses"
                                               LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?                        

PS--Don't miss this week's E-Mail of the Week page and see what it takes to be the perfect husband

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