This Week's Wacks
707 WACKS and still goin'!
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May 22nd, 2009
Miss California and Miss USA runner-up, Carrie Prejean, will be a one-day guest host for Fox News Channel's show Fox & Friends on May 27th. Don't get too excited... that's WITH her clothes on.
Sarah Palin got a deal to write her memoir. The working title is, "Round trip to Alaska."
President Obama hosted a poetry slam at the White House. Things went really well until some fellow showed up from Nantucket.
Chrysler is shutting down 25% of its dealers. Well, lately, they haven't been dealers... more like "storage units." Thus, the reason for the shut downs... ..
Oh, I gotta say it: "For Chrysler's sake!"
A strong earthquake hit southern California on Sunday night. For a few seconds, lots of residents thought they were living their own season finale!
What some newsrooms won't do for the May sweeps.
There was no major damage reported -- just a few new cracks on William Shatner, but that was about it.
Brooke Shields is furious after a tabloid checked her mom out of a nursing home, hoping to get a story. For God's sake, please don't mention this to Kiefer Sutherland. You just KNOW how he'd react.
They crowned a new winner of "Survivor" Sunday night. Host Jeff Probst announced there are now just 17 people left in the country that haven't been on the show.
NASA is going to upload the new Star Trek movie to the International Space Station so the astronauts can see it. To help make it seem more like watching a movie back on earth, they're going to also upload the sound of a cell phone going off several times during the movie.
Boy, if they didn't like the movie, sure would be tough to walk out on it.
The government has shut down a sex theme park being built in China. The idea was to teach Chinese people about sex. They would have run into problems with Disney anyway, especially with the names of some of the attractions: "Great moments with Mr. Lincoln," "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride" and the one nobody wants to go on, "It's a small world after all."
American Express says it's going to eliminate 4,000 jobs. Now those employees won't have to leave home... with or without them.
Paris Hilton says she's going to name her future kids after Victoria & David Beckham, because she admires them so much. In a related story, a man in Los Angeles has named a post after Paris Hilton.
Tough times in California. There are cutbacks everywhere. Governor Schwarzenegger is now groping women using only three fingers.
Los Angeles is going to begin water rationing next month. Kids will still be allowed to run through the sprinklers, just not with the water running.
Dick Cheney has been told to switch to sand-boarding.
The American dollar is falling out of favor with investors, which could cause it to lose its triple-A status. And if THAT happens, I don't know where we're going to get our free maps.
Beyonce Knowles says she buys her clothes too small to help her keep an eye on her weight. My only question: where do I mail the thank you note?
Michael Vick is in for a long ride. His first day out of prison, he was head-butted by Scooby Doo.
He may get back into football, but first he's going to try his hand at acting in a live Broadway presentation of "101 Dalmatians". He'll play Cruella Deville.
TOP FIVE REASONS YOU SHOULD AVOID A CO-WORKER
1. She oinks when she coughs
2. Last year, she was the one voted "most likely to take hostages"
3. She's got a bomb
4. A skunk complained about how much perfume she was wearing
5. She's on the new all-chili diet
TOP FIVE THINGS I THINK ABOUT WHEN I HAVE SPARE TIME
1. Try to figure out the whole Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie thing: what's REALLY going on?
2. Keeping a diary of my spare time -- what a great, time-consuming idea
3. I should join a "Spare Time Club" with lots of meetings!
4. I should plan out the next six times I'm going to have spare time and make a chart!
5. So, what am I supposed to do now?
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim
PS--Don't miss this week's E-Mail of the Week for some of the aftermath of this past week's California earthquakes
PSPS-- Check out my blog! If it's happened to me or my family, it'll usually show up here. And I want to know what YOU have to say: Click here