This Week's Wacks
709 WACKS and still goin'!
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June 12th, 2009
The commerce department reports that unemployment in the U.S. is at 9.4%, the highest in more than 25 years. They would have offered further statistics, but they were short handed.
Look, I never said I wanted to hear Susan Boyle's rendition of "Crazy". Not out loud, anyway....I was just thinking it.
Father's Day is really late this year which, of course, will mean fewer shopping days until the 4th of July this year.
Unemployment is rapidly approaching 10%. That means if you know 9 people with a job, you should really be concerned about that meeting your boss has scheduled with you on Friday.
Mattel has been fined $2.3-million for importing and selling toys from China with lead paint on them. How can you tell if you have one of the dangerous toys? "You can tell it's Mattel -- you'll swell!"
The Orlando Magic have contacted the White House. Now THEY'RE asking for a bailout!
Okay, by now enough people have seen the movie "Up" so I can finally say this and get a laugh: (pause) "Squirrel!"
"Land of the Lost": the place where you'll find the investors of Will Ferrell's latest movie.
Regarding the Obama presidency, Sarah Palin said on FOX NEWS last night, "Told ya so!" to which most Americans responded, "Told us? So!"
Sarah's interview was sponsored by the organization, "No Tina Fey Bits Left Behind".
Supporters called last night's Sarah Palin interview "frank" and "honest." Tina Fey called it, "material."
I'm thinking I may write to that $232 million Powerball winner in South Dakota and say, "Hey, buddy, can you spare ten grand?" Remember, I thought of it first...
You know, I think if I had won $232 million, the first thing I'd do is hire someone to Twitter for me.
Here's a new title for a TV show: "Jon and Kate are full of hate."
Barry Bonds second wife has filed for divorce. She'd like to keep the house, the car and half his home runs.
It'll be interesting to see who gets custody of the asterisk.
In an interview with Rolling Stone, Adam Lambert has admitted that he's gay. Boy, who could have seen that one coming?
I haven't been this surprised since I found out that Starbucks sold coffee!
Of course, the phrase we're STILL waiting to hear: "Seacrest, out!"
Katie Couric's nightly news ratings have dropped down into the 5's and pretty close to the reality series, "I'm a celebrity! Get me out of here!" In a related story, CBS announced that Katie will do tonight's news after being dropped off somewhere in the jungle.
The big switch from analog to digital TV broadcasting takes place this Friday. For months, local TV stations have been warning us that this was coming. I think I can safely speak for most Americans when I say, "What change-over?"
An almost 70-year-old tree blew over in windstorm Tuesday on the north lawn of the White House. President Obama is nominating Al Gore to fill that position.
Pity the caveman. He spent a lifetime on earth and never even realized that coffee was here.
Then again, he didn't know he could have saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico, either. Of course, not having a car, that probably didn't hurt him.
Two US reporters have been imprisoned in North Korea and now President Obama is considering sending Al Gore to negotiate their release. Gore plans to make a one-hour speech and if they refuse to release the prisoners, he'll make a two-hour speech and so on, until they cave…..
A new green tea-flavored Coca-Cola was introduced in Japan this week. For those who prefer a healthier sugar-spiked carbonated beverage.
TOP FIVE WORST POSSIBLE REASONS FOR A FEDERAL BAILOUT
1. The dog ate my $10-billion
2. I hear the popsicle man coming
3. Who knew the bottom would fall out of the pet rock industry?
4. It's just to hold me over until I get through this Ponzi thing
5. It's just until we clear up a bank error
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim
PS--Don't miss this week's E-Mail of the Week for a shocker involving the statue of David.
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