This Week's Wacks

The 712th edition!
712....one more than convenience!

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June 26th, 2009

Japan is warning the U.S. about a report that North Korea is planning to launch missiles at Hawaii on Independence Day. Someone get Will Smith on the phone!!!!

Thomas the Train is getting a makeover. Starting in January, you'll see a smother animated CGI Thomas, with a new voice from Martin Sheen. They were going to use the voice of Charlie Sheen, but he was too obsessed with cabooses.

The dad of American Idol runner-up David Archuleta has been busted for prostitution. OK Letterman, he's all yours!

In Japan, the world's oldest man has died at age 113. I tell you, that title is a curse.

PETA has sent President Obama a "Catch and Release Fly Trap," after the president was caught on camera last week killing a fly. If it were up to me, I'd have a coat made out of fly skins just to tick them off. Of course, that might take a while.

Prince Charles is complaining that the price of houses is way too high. How would he know? Hey Charles: when was the last time you paid for... oh, anything?

The New York Times just reported that Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids in 2003. In an unrelated story, they're also reporting that President Bush may run for a second term.

It's all speed ahead for the FIFTH "Indiana Jones" movie. The working title for this one is "Indiana Jones and the Metamucil of Doom." Seattle's 29-dry spell has finally been snapped. Thank God -- we were getting really tired of having to water the Space Needle every day. Lindsay Lohan's mom has come to her defense and says there's no way that Lindsay could have stolen that missing jewelry from a London photo shoot. She also says that Ahmadinejad was the clear winner in Iran.

Apple founder Steven Jobs underwent a transplant operation. Yep, he now has his very own I-liver.

41-year-old skateboarder Tony Hawk visited the White House last Friday. He gave the most dangerous yet impressive display on wheels since that day President Bush had his training wheels taken off.

Sunday was the summer solstice, the longest day of the year except for season ticket holders of the Washington Nationals. They have 162 of them every season.

The stars of the "Jon and Kate" show have announced they're marriage is breaking up. Yes, Jon and Kate will separate.

Gee, it all seems so sudden...

Prince Charles announced this week that he's a big fan of dreadlocks. I suppose he's pretty much up for any kind of "cover the ears" look.

Johnny Carson's old sidekick, Ed McMahon, has died. The doctor couldn't resist when he announced his passing: "He-e-e-e-e-e-e-e's Gone-ee!"

Kelly Osbourne says she wants nothing more to do with Amy Winehouse. Uh, Kelly, the line forms over there.....

With all the insanity going on over in Iran, shouldn't they be filming the next season of "24" there? Seems like a natural.....

Elizabeth Hasselbeck of "The View" is denying claims that she plagiarized her recent book. She says her days on that show truly were "the best off times and the worst of times."

In China, a husband recently discovered that his wife was a man after he'd been married to her for three years. In his words: "Well, this explains why the seat was always left up!"

After his suspension for steroid use, Manny Ramierez will start getting ready for his return to the majors by playing with the Albuquerque Isotopes. For the minor league team, he figures to be quite a shot in the arm, which is, of course, how he ended up there.

Boeing has announced another delay for their 787 Dreamliner. One more delay and they'll have to change the name to the Nightmare-liner.

Megan McCallister has ended her relationship with her fiancÚ, Phillip Markoff, the accused "Craigslist Killer." Isn't that the way it goes: one arrest for being a serial killer and they just drop you!

Yesterday was "National Handshake Day." Not surprising, today is "For Pete's sake, wash your filthy hands Day."

The unrest and rioting in Iran continues. In fact, today, the violence got so bad, Tehran was awarded an honorary NBA championship.

When South Carolina's Governor Mark Sanford disappeared last week for five days, his spokespeople said he was "hiking in the Appalachians." Remember when that used to mean "walking in the mountains"?

Yes, the Governor of South Carolina has admitted to having an affair with a woman in Argentina. Another American job exported overseas.

In South Carolina, there's still a first lady. It's just that now, we know about a second one.

Now, to make matters worse, the Governor of South Carolina is being charged with impersonating a Democrat!

As if economic times weren't hard enough, with the passing of Michael Jackson, the paparazzi announced they were laying off 74 sleaze-ball, scumbag photographers.

Michael's brother Jermaine is acting as family spokesperson during this tragedy, which is great news: he's finally got work!

(pause) Oh, I'm sorry. I was just looking at the man in the mirror....

Michael Jackson died last Friday in Los Angeles. Parts of his body ranged from 10 years to age 50.

Michael Jackson is dead. This, of course, contracting earlier reports from his aides that he was out on a hike.

I guess the one thing I'm hoping most won't happen is putting in Michael's obituary, "He was preceded in death by Bubbles".

For the record, it was my sister Debbie--NOT ME--who said that Michael had gone to that big Boy Scout camp in the sky. 

TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT IT'S TIME TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

   1. Your vacuum cleaner just filed for unemployment
   2. A can of Pledge is too embarrassed to stay in the house
   3. Instead of using paper, people are writing down who called in the dust
   4. You can remember the original color of the floor
   5. The dust bunnies are forming a union

TOP FIVE POSSIBLE NEW TITLES FOR ''JON AND KATE PLUS EIGHT''

   1. "Jon and Kate Ain't Great"
   2. "Jon and Kate: Too Late"
   3. "Jon and Kate Abdicate"
   4. "Jon and Kate and lots of hate"
   5. "Jon and Kate Split Eight"

                                               LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?        
               
                                               Tim

PS--Don't miss this week's E-Mail of the Week for the perfect sign it's going to be a lousy day.
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