This Week's Wacks
The 713th edition!
But who's counting? Oh yeah, we are!
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July 3rd, 2009
This week, as a special salute to the memory of Michael Jackson, we're NOT going to salute Michael Jackson.
I can't believe TV pitchman Billy Mays is dead at age 50. I keep waiting... hoping there will be more. ("But wait, there's more!")
The thing about fireworks: you dole out all that money and then the next day, they're worthless. No, wait: that's General Motors. Sorry, I was getting confused.
We can't decide what to do for the 4th of July this year. Our choices: go to the big fireworks display, get caught in traffic and not get home until after midnight... ... or, buy a buy of fireworks and $50 later, I get to be out in the middle of the street, sweeping and cleaning up. I remember this holiday being a lot more fun when I was young... ...
The autopsy results are in and they confirm that the Governor of South Carolina's political career died of sheer stupidity. It just confirms what we all suspected...
We're doing what we can to cut back on the Michael Jackson news. I mean, there ARE other things going on in the world. For example, today the price of oil moon-walked past the $73 a barrel mark. Shoot! I did it again!
International news is all about coo's. In Honduras, there's a coup going on. In North Korea, the country is run by a cuckoo!
Manny Ramirez returns to the Dodgers this week after his 60-day suspension. What do you call a player who hasn't played major league baseball for 60 days? A Washington National.
A new study shows that couples trying to get pregnant could actually increase their chances of success by having daily sex. On behalf of guys everywhere, I'd just like to say: "High Fives!"
Just two weeks ago, we celebrated "Father's Day." This weekend, it's "Forefather's Day."
Remember Michael Jackson's chimp, Bubbles? He's alive and well and living in an animal preserve in Florida. But he did pick up one of Michael's bad habits: the chimp is $20-million in debt.
Air New Zealand is now showing pre-flight videos featuring flight attendants with body painted uniforms. The idea is they hope it'll get more people to watch. Let's just hope and pray Jimmy Kimmel doesn't hear about this.
Not mine, but it's going around: In all fairness to the S.C. governor's aides "I am hiking the Appalachian Trail" does sound a lot like "I am getting some Argentinean tail"...
Voters in South Carolina are getting ready to tell their cheating governor to take a hike. He responded with, "Sure! Lemme go get my passport!"
Jermaine Jackson says he wishes it had been him and not his brother, Michael. Jermaine, I think we're all with you on this one.
A butter sculptor is going to make a life-size replica of Michael Jackson and put it on display next month at the Iowa State fair. The artist says it'll be an exact likeness of Michael, but there will be a certain margarine of error.
Michael Jackson named Diana Ross as a potential legal guardian of his children, just in case his mother isn't able to take care of them. I can just hear the kids when they see Diana for the first time: "Dad? Is that you?"
Still no word if North Korea is still planning a missile launch this weekend. But their president was seen buying fireworks earlier today on the reservation.
TOP FIVE SIGNS THOSE FIREWORKS YOU BOUGHT MAY BE DANGEROUS
1. It says right on them: "Safe and sane... HA!"
2. Made by "Osama bin Laden Enterprises"
3. One of them is called the "De-thumb-inator"
4. They were banned in Iraq as "too dangerous"
5. There's the warning label, "Nice knowing you"
LIST OF FIVE FOREFATHERS WITH NEARLY-FAMOUS NAMES
1. George Washingload
2. Patrick Hungry
3. Thomas Jefferlube
4. Benjamin Frankfurter
5. Paul Revere-a-Wang
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim
PS--Don't miss this week's E-Mail of the Week to see how engineers explain women.
PSPS-- Check out my blog! This week, featuring some Michael Jackson bits from the KLSY days. Click here