This Week's Wacks
The 714th edition!
Babe Ruth would be proud!
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July 10th, 2009
The mother of two of Michael Jackson's kids, Debbie Rowe, says she wants them back. I'm sure they mean a lot to her... probably several hundred millions worth.
Here's my suggestion: how about if the courts award Debbie Rowe custody of Joe Jackson?
There was a fireworks stand near my house called "Nearly Naked Fireworks," which featured girls in bikinis doing the selling. I was upset, offended and indignant all 14 times I went back there.
It's really hard at a stand like that not to ask for fireworks that come with a happy ending.
Vice-President Joe Biden says the Obama administration misread just how bad the economy was. See, that's why President Bush had such a hard time in office: the job involves reading!
Malaysian authorities have confiscated 900 boxes of coffee laced with Viagra. Gives the phrase "I'd like a double tall" a whole new meaning, doesn't it?
No longer is the best part of "getting up the Folgers in your cup".
British researchers say that your beer belly is more due to your genetic build-up... and not those 26,409 beers you've had since you were 18.
Bret Michaels's bus was involved in a five-car pile-up accident in Toronto over the weekend, but no injuries for the singer. Who would have thought traffic in Toronto would be safer than the Tony Awards?
A former government official has suggested that Twitter should be nominated for a Nobel peace prize for its help during election protests in Iran. If it won, who would make the acceptance tweet?
During a recent Larry King show, Larry claimed to show a video with the ghost of Michael Jackson. It looked just like Michael...only more pale...if that's possible.
Lindsay Lohan is being sued by a Florida chemist who claims Lindsay stole her formula for a fake tanning spray. The good news: Lindsay has landed a part in something, even if it is just a trial.
President Obama is in Italy, but he's just not as much fun. Remember when President Bush was going there and we told him to ask to see the campus of Atsa Matta U? Aw, the good old days...
OK, the Jackson memorial is history. So NOW what are we supposed to be talking about?
A guy in Florida attacked another man, claiming that he was the devil. I thought the devil was that judge on American Idol?
In Maryland, a man was pulled over for speeding and the police officer couldn't help but notice the guy wasn't wearing any pants! Needless to say, he didn't have his wallet.
There have already been several reports of seeing Michael Jackson's pale, white ghost. Of course, that also happened several times while he was alive, too.
Some computer hackers got into government websites and have brought some divisions of our federal government to a crawl. The trick is figuring out which ones were attacked and which ones were already that way.
Vice-President Joe Biden has announced a health-care reform agreement, where our country's hospitals will forego $155 billion in government health-care reimbursements over the next 10 years….if he'd just please stop talking for five minutes. The plan is working perfectly…..
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is resigning at the end of the month. This'll give her and her daughter more time to catch baseball games in New York.
Billionaire Warren Buffett compared the government's first stimulus package as "Candy Viagra". I've already got a request in to the Easter Bunny for next year….
TOP FIVE MOST MEMORABLE MOMENTS OF MICHAEL JACKSON'S MEMORIAL SERVICE
1. What are the odds?--Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson with ANOTHER "Wardrobe Malfunction"
2. Liz Taylor asking, "Who'd like to be husband #9?"
3. Jermaine Jackson treating the audience by not singing
4. Diana Ross giving out the address to Debbie Rowe's double-wide
5. Stevie Wonder saying, "About all those accusations: I never saw anything"
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim
PS--Don't miss this week's E-Mail of the Week for a biker bar warning
PSPS-- Check out my blog, which includes an "American Idols" concert review. Click here