Vice President Joe Biden told a group that the only way for the government to avoid going bankrupt is to spend more money. He also mowed his lawn this weekend by planting more grass seed.
Remember fellow comedy writers, our next payment to Joe Biden is due on the 23rd or he's threatened to stop talking. We must be on time!
Big day for Barack Obama -- Joe Biden didn't have any speeches. Man, is the President in a good mood.
NASA admits that the original video tapes of the moon landing were accidentally erased and recorded over. When was NASA taken over by the cast of "Everybody Loves Raymond"?
President Obama has revealed his latest idea to rescue the federal government. It's a movie: "Harry Potter and the Budget Deficit!"
Pope Benedict the 16th fell and broke his wrist. He may be infallible, but apparently he's not un-fall-able.
I'm pretty sure "Monday" is Latin for "Crap, the weekend's over!"
One of the two International Space Station toilets is broken. That means the 13 astronauts on board are all sharing one toilet! Of course, it's all about perspective. With the airlines, 13 people and one restroom is what they call "First Class."
Paula Abdul's agent says the singer is angry and hurt and is serious when she says she may not return to "American Idol." Do you realize what this means? There is a serious threat that, next season, the show could actually make 33% more sense!
Another triathlon over the weekend. Yep, I believe that makes a total of 8 triathlons that I've skipped so far this year.
Buddy Mark Winston passed along this timely advice: If you get an email with "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi" in the subject line, don't open it....It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi!
Simon Cowell has said that he wants Paula Abdul back on "American Idol" next season. OK, to be more accurate, he said he "wants Pauler back."
This week, we're celebrating the 40th anniversary of the moon landing considered by some to be mankind's greatest achievement... if you don't include "the Snuggy."
Shaquille O'Neal is getting his own show on ABC in which he'll compete against other athletes. As long as there are no free throws involved, he stands a chance.
I went to Starbucks on "Free Pastry Day" to join the protest. I could only get them to free one of them and then I ate it. I'm such an activist!
I've been sleeping with a box fan on me so much lately, I think I'm getting windmarks.
China experienced a total eclipse on Wednesday, plunging them into the Dark Ages for five minutes. Yep, 400 years into the future.
You've got to believe. Each day you wake up, you really have to reach down deep and, with all your heart, believe. And I do. I believe that it's way too friggin' hot!
Amy Winehouse wants to launch her own perfume. I'm sure that's who women really want to smell like.
I'm really tired. I was up most of last night, afraid I might get insomnia.
I'm trying to get a jump start on the things I do on Monday so I can have a better handle on the week. So I must ask: "Is it Friday yet?"
Police raided Michael Jackson's doctor's office in Texas and found what everybody expected: 8-year-old magazines out in the lobby.
4 out of 10 Seattle residents say they've almost been hit by a car while walking. As for the other 6 in 10? May they rest in peace.
The Santa Claus World Congress has gathered in Copenhagen this week. Oh, sure, lot's of "ho's", but not what you're thinking.
The Nordstrom Anniversary Sale is onů.ironically, on the anniversary of the last time I over-extended that charge card.
TOP FIVE NEW, MORE MODERN NAMES OF NFL TEAMS
1. The San Diego Cell Phone Chargers
2. The New England Patriot Missiles
3. The Buffalo Can't Pay the Bills
4. The Cleveland Chris Browns
5. The Green Bay Styrofoam Peanut Packers
TOP FIVE SYMPTOMS YOU MAY BE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET
1. You IM goodnight to the kids
2. In the family emergency kit, you have a spare keyboard
3. While you're happy to see me, that IS a mouse in your pants
4. You burned your Star Trek uniform because MySpace is now "the final frontier"