This Week's Wacks

The 717th edition!
Named after a Boeing jet model that never flew.
Well, one of them....


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July 31st, 2009

We had an all-time record high of 103 in Seattle on Wednesday.  Man, if Al Gore calls me up just one more time, saying "See!  See!  Told you so!"

Went to sleep last night in the breeze of the box fan. First time I ever went to sleep while flying a kite!

It was SO hot last night, I had a hard time falling asleep... until I finally broke down and counted roast lamb.

Wednesday was supposed to be Seattle's hottest day ever on record. In fact, on the way to our high temperature, several of our existing records warped.

I'm pretty sure air conditioning for cars must have been invented by a boss... as a cruel trick to get you to drive into work on hot days.

4 of the 6 Top Awards at the annual Soap Box Derby were won this year... by girls! My theory: cooties!

The good news about a Seattle heatwave: you know the Space Needle is sterile.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has said that Iran must NEVER be allowed to have nuclear weapons. Iran apparently has plans to hide them under their president's desk whenever she's around.

A new study says that the average American is 23 pounds overweight. Finally! I'm above average in something! Are you going to finish that toast?

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says that California is going to hold a huge garage sale next month. Hopefully, it'll be a hot day and they can also sell sodas for $1.

I'm not sure I'm too wild about Ford's new slogan: "How about that? We're still here!"

New research shows that the average adult forgets three things each day. I can't remember what they are, so that means I have two more to go.

The famous Taco Bell Chihuahua has died at the age of 15. Her name is Ginger and she'll be buried in a pet cemetery....topped with sour cream and guacamole.

Nancy Pelosi says she doesn't care if she's despised by everyone. Great! Now she doesn't care about us!

The NFL has reinstated Michael Vick, giving teams the opportunity to sign him... ironically, during the dog days of summer.

The ratings for President Obama's last press conference were down 14% from the previous one. So, the next time he has one, the president is going to have it hosted by the half-blood Prince.

During last winter's snowstorm, Seattle Mayor Greg Nichols was criticized for refusing to salt the roads in a snowstorm because of environmental concerns. But there's an election coming up and with the current heatwave in Seattle, the mayor proposed adding Margarita mix to Lake Union and putting salt around the edges.

Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush have called it quits. OK, with her no longer with Reggie, remind me: why could I care about her again?

There's talk of a "cosmetic surgery tax": a 10% surcharge on all unnecessary plastic surgeries. That'll bring a lot of frowns to faces... but of course, those can be fixed.

I just found out the government's "Cash for clunkers" program has to do with cars. I had been planned to get rich by selling them all my old jokes...

Microsoft and Yahoo are said to be getting close to a web search partnership. I'm guessing their new company name would be Micro-who?

What a wild week! I went to a Seattle Mariners game, sat too close to the field and got traded to another team for a fan to be named later!

President Obama says there wonít be a vote on his healthcare reform until October at the earliest.  Nobody get sick until then!

I had no idea exactly how hot it has been lately.  This morning I woke up and my pop-up timer was sticking out.  Didnít  even know I had oneÖ.

We're going to a barbecue tonight. We were going to cook dinner on the sidewalk, but we don't want to burn it!

The Seattle Mariners played baseball Wednesday in record 103-degree weather. Fortunately, they stayed cool thanks to all the fans.

Today's hot weather tip: teach your dog to play "Fetch the Stick Deodorant". It'll really help with the breath.

TOP FIVE SIGNS IT'S ALMOST FOOTBALL SEASON

   1. Al Michaels Seen Taking his Toupee to the Dry Cleaners
   2. The Fox football robots have returned to training camp
   3. Favorite baseball team now 26 games out of first place
   4. Bean dip recipe back in its fall position on the kitchen counter
   5. Bret Favre is talking about coming out of retirement again (I wrote this BEFORE he changed his mind

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A ROUGH SUMMER

   1. Your favorite baseball team traded you for a fan to be named later
   2. After Twitter removed all the spammers and porn queens, you realized you've been following yourself
   3. You accidentally went camping on a mosquito sanctuary
   4. Now Debbie Rowe is after YOUR kids
   5. Jon Gosselin is dating your sister
                                               LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?        
               
                                               Tim

PS--Don't miss this week's E-Mail of the Week explaining why men are the cause of all women's problems
PSPS--  Check out my blog for some summertime reflections! Click  here