This Week's Wacks
The 721st edition!
They just keep going and going and going....
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August 28th, 2009
Paula Abdul's agent says the rumor about talks being underway for her return to "American Idol" are not true... except in her sleep.
I just saw the preview for "Avatar." I'm pretty much convinced now that James Cameron is an alien.
The month-long Muslim observance of Ramadan began Saturday. I guess it's no mystery why my cousin's Ramadan catering service went out of business.
This is where EVERYONE is going on the set up. "Cash for Clunkers" ends today. The Minnesota Vikings were seen trying to Brett Favre in on a (your choice of GM product here)
Elizabeth Edwards opened up her new furniture store in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. Husband John was there for the ceremony. That was nice of him. Even better, he didn't bring a date.
I'm a very sympathetic person. For example, just a moment ago, I was feeling bad for all those Dutch people who traveled thousands of miles thinking it was called the Netherlands Ranch.
Miss Venezuela was chosen Miss Universe over the weekend. See, we don't just love them for their oil!
President Obama and the family are vacationing at Martha's Vineyard. Remember when President Bush went there and kept asking, "So, where's Martha?"
Those upset about Scotland's early release of the Lockerbie bomber are calling for a world-wide boycott of Scotch Whiskey. I can skip shortbread, give up the haggis, stop wearing plaid and even be done with blended Scotch, but you'll have to pry that bottle of single malt out of my cold, sober fingers.
The Sultan of Brunei wanted London hairdresser Ken Modestou to cut his hair, but didn't want to leave home. So, he flew the hair stylist in, and paid him a cool $21,000. I'm assuming that included the tip.
Time to rewrite the song: "Shave and a haircut: 21-grand!"
The governor of Rhode Island is going to shut down state government for 12 days because of their budget crisis. That means, for a dozen days, we won't be able to, uh... it'll be impossible to get, uh... maybe he should go for 21 days?
Kate Gosselin says she's lonely, but too busy with her family to have a relationship. Guys, if you're tempted, just watch the show.
Former President Clinton recently had to clear out of his office for a few days because of an infestation of bed bugs. The bed bugs said they could put up with a lot of things, but that's where they drew the line.
TOP FIVE WAYS FIDEL CASTRO HAS BEEN STAYING IN SHAPE
1. Richard Simmons' new video, "Arresting with the Oldies"
2. Personal freedom crunches
3. Hand-rolling 10-pound cigars
4. Doing beard-to-knee touches
5. Working out at the YMAA(Young Men's Atheist Association)
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN POSTING WAY TOO MANY YOU TUBE VIDEOS
1. Your latest posting is a great example: "Brushing teeth 27: Revenge of the floss"
2. You filmed it: "Opening mail with your toes"
3. There are finger groove marks on your Flip video camera
4. The colonoscopy cam? Really?
5. Everyone knows you as "Jell-O shot guy"
TOP FIVE THINGS I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IN SEPTEMBER
1. A new season of Oprah (my wife only let's me pick four of these)
2. Thursday Night Football
3. Monday Night Football
4. Saturday Football
5. Sunday Football
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim
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