This Week's Wacks

The 722nd edition!
Thanks to a week-long Outlook crash, it's a double edition!

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September 4th, 2009

Paula Abdul's agent says the rumor about talks being underway for her return to "American Idol" are not true... except in her sleep.

I just saw the preview for "Avatar." I'm pretty much convinced now that James Cameron is an alien.

The month-long Muslim observance of Ramadan began Saturday. I guess it's no mystery why my cousin's Ramadan catering service went out of business.

This is where EVERYONE is going on the set up. "Cash for Clunkers" ends today. The Minnesota Vikings were seen trying to Brett Favre in on a (your choice of GM product here)

Elizabeth Edwards opened up her new furniture store in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. Husband John was there for the ceremony. That was nice of him. Even better, he didn't bring a date.

I'm a very sympathetic person. For example, just a moment ago, I was feeling bad for all those Dutch people who traveled thousands of miles thinking it was called the Netherlands Ranch.

Miss Venezuela was chosen Miss Universe over the weekend. See, we don't just love them for their oil!

President Obama and the family are vacationing at Martha's Vineyard. Remember when President Bush went there and kept asking, "So, where's Martha?"

Those upset about Scotland's early release of the Lockerbie bomber are calling for a world-wide boycott of Scotch Whiskey. I can skip shortbread, give up the haggis, stop wearing plaid and even be done with blended Scotch, but you'll have to pry that bottle of single malt out of
my cold, sober fingers.

The Sultan of Brunei wanted London hairdresser Ken Modestou to cut his hair, but didn't want to leave home. So, he flew the hair stylist in, and paid him a cool $21,000. I'm assuming that included the tip.

Time to rewrite the song: "Shave and a haircut: 42,000 bits!"

The governor of Rhode Island is going to shut down state government for 12 days because of their budget crisis. That means, for a dozen days, we won't be able to, uh... it'll be impossible to get, uh... maybe he should go for 21 days?

Kate Gosselin says she's lonely, but too busy with her family to have a relationship. Guys, if you're tempted, just watch the show.

Former President Clinton recently had to clear out of his office for a few days because of an infestation of bed bugs. The bed bugs said they could put up with a lot of things, but that's where they drew the line.

Chelsea Handler is said to have kicked her boyfriend, Comcast CEO Ted Harbert, out of their Los Angeles home. He told her he would be out sometime between 8am and 5pm.

In Afghanistan, there's a Presidential election underway. President Hamid Karzai's main opponent is a man called Abdullah Abdullah. We don't know much about him except he has a Tomtom GPS system, his favorite character on the Flintstones was "Bam-bam" and his favorite fast food is Jo-Jo's.

The most popular baby names these days: Emma and Jacob. The two least popular baby names: Paris and A-Rod.

An update on at least one of those LA fires: the one that broke out on top of Carrot Top is 25% contained.

Results of a new study show that 60% of adults are NOT able to digest milk. Got indigestion?

I'm feeling redundant. Today for lunch, I brought brats!

I think it's ironic that this fall, Paula Abdul is going to be just sitting around, idle.

Los Angeles continues to be on fire. They haven't seen flames like this since Richard Simmons taped his "Sweatin' to Abba's Hits" video.

Secretary of State Clinton ordered an investigation into reports of bad behavior of the guards at the U.S. Embassy in Afghanistan that allegedly included booze, hookers and other "deviant behavior." In her husband's words, "Who do they think they are? The President?"

The folks at Google say that when their Gmail crashed the other day, it was entirely their fault. Ironically, during the whole time it was down, the word "Gee" was never said once!

The world's oldest dog has died at age 21 or 147 in dog years. He was really getting up there. Whenever he walked in a circle before he sat down he always forgot and left his blinker on.

Europe is phasing out the 100-watt light bulb. So, from now on, when it comes to Europe, we're not exactly talking about the brightest bulb.

Singer Aubrey O'Day has caused quite a stir after appearing on "The Sean Hannity Show" and saying that both Fidel Castro and Adolf Hitler were brilliant men. I'm sure if they were both here today, they'd have the same question: "Who the hell is Aubrey O'Day?"

BP just announced a major oil discovery in the Gulf of Mexico. I'm heading down to the gas station right now to watch the gas prices start falling. First, though, I'm gonna hold my breath... ...

A prominent Catholic group has come out with a book that includes a prayer couples should say before having sex. Wait a minute! Aren't priests and nuns celibate? How would they know what to say?

David Beckham says he's getting an Ellen Degeneres tattoo. I can only assume he lost a bet.

The launch date for Windows 7 is October 22nd. I'm already planning my Vista going-away party.

TOP FIVE SUPERHEROES ON THE WAY NOW THAT DISNEY HAS BOUGHT MARVEL COMICS

   1. Iron Mouse
   2. Spider Duck
   3. The Fantasmic Four
   4. The Incredible Goof
   5. Captain America the Beautiful

TOP FIVE WAYS FIDEL CASTRO HAS BEEN STAYING IN SHAPE

   1. Richard Simmons' new video, "Arresting with the Oldies"
   2. Personal freedom crunches
   3. Hand-rolling 10-pound cigars
   4. Doing beard-to-knee touches
   5. Working out at the YMAA(Young Men's Atheist Association)

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN POSTING WAY TOO MANY YOU TUBE VIDEOS

   1. Your latest posting is a great example: "Brushing teeth 27:Revenge of the floss"
   2. You filmed it: "Opening mail with your toes"
   3. There are finger groove marks on your Flip video camera
   4. The colonoscopy cam? Really?
   5. Everyone knows you as "Jell-O shot guy"

                                               LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?        
               
                                               Tim

PS--Don't miss this week's E-Mail of the Week page for the photo that needs no caption.
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PSPSP-- Follow Tim on Twitter @timwack