This Week's Wacks

The 726th edition!
12 more than Babe Ruth homers

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October 2nd, 2009

A Montana man who celebrated his 113th birthday Monday says part of the secret to his long life is eating just two meals a day, instead of the American tradition of 7 meals a day.

Scientists studying Monarch butterflies say that they use their antennas to help with their annual migration. It's because of that migration that so many have antennas and not cable.

Russia's richest man is going to buy a majority interest in the New Jersey Nets. They're already referring to the team as the New Jersey Nyets!

There is nothing like climbing into a hot tub at the end of a long day. Unless, of course, you're captured by vegetarian cannibals.

Marilyn Manson says he has contracted the Swine Flu. He looks pretty bad, kinda pale and appears nauseous... and NOW he has the Swine Flu on top of that!

Conan O'Brien hit his head last week while working on a stunt and had to cancel the "Tonight Show." However, he says that this week he should be fine and plans to invade Afghanistan.

Bought my tickets to Michael Jackson's "This is it" concert movie. We're going November 5th. That's the night we'll see the movie, then look at each other and say, "This is it?"

Chrysler has announced that it's replacing the owner's manuals in all of it's cars with a DVD. The sad part is that the DVD is a collection of Carrot Top movies.

Scientists are saying that there are indications there's water on the moon. That, of course, means that under the right conditions that it's entirely possible we also might find some form of Starbucks on the moon as well.

One of the new comedians on Saturday Nigh Live dropped an F-bomb last weekend. However, neither of the viewers said they were offended.

Sting celebrates his 58th birthday today.  It must be weird having a name that makes people think of a painful experience.  Of course, his brother, "Leg Cramp" has it much worse.

A watchdog group claims that the levels of radiation in cell phones is on the increase. A small comfort when that bozo answers his phone during the movie, but I'll take it. Some day he'll get his... ...

Sarah Palin's new book is coming out in November, "Going Rogue." Other titles considered: "Me and my John," "McCain and Unable" and "No, for the last time, I'm not Tina Fey"

Congress is giving serious thought to a mandatory helmet law for anyone hosting "The Tonight Show." This means you, Conan!

Dan Rather's $70-million suit against CBS has been thrown out... along with that blue suit with the big lapels he always wore.

Cleveland has been selected as the site of the 2014 International Gay Games. That sounds like it's far off into the future, but actually, it's pretty much right around the closet!

Tori Spelling has been rushed to the hospital twice this week, after she acted like she had several abdominal pain. Of course, no would believed it because of her acting.

A Norwegian friend just told me that October 1st is the beginning of "Lutefisk Season". Now I know why the bears hibernate for the winter.

The title of "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" is being changed to just "Kate Plus Eight."..and that'll be great... until there's a date. I feel like I'm doing the Dr. Seuss news.

Now there are concerns about an attack by terrorists who hide explosives up their buttocks.  Homeland Security guards have been informed that if they see anyone acting suspicious, whatever they do, DON'T pull their finger.

Guy Laliberte, the founder of Cirque du Soleil, blasted off for the International Space Station aboard a Soyuz spacecraft Wednesday.  I'm thinking with zero gravity and how you just float along up there, space travel probably seems like one big Cirque du Soleil show.

Barbra Streisand says she sprained both her thumbs giving Robert De Niro a vigorous massage during filming for their movie "Meet the Fockers."  She says that'll happen to people…people who knead people.

Michael Vick has signed a two-year endorsement deal with Nike. I can see him now, taking off his old shoes and say, "Man, my dogs are killing me."


   1. Yells across fence, "Are you still using that head?"
   2. On garbage day, his cans walk out to the curb by themselves
   3. Pronounces laboratory "la-BORE-a-tory"
   4. White lab coats. All he wears is white lab coats.
   5. Pool cleaner is named Igor


   1. How the heck are we gonna fix that crack on the stage?
   2. There is the possibility that he could become funny
   3. Constantly answering phone calls on his stapler
   4. Voices in his head are now speaking Pig Latin
   5. He can no longer get channel 4

                                               LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?        

PS--Don't miss this week's E-Mail of the Week page for some candy bar comedy
PSPS--  A review of "Wicked" on my blog. Click here
PSPSP-- Follow Tim on Twitter @timwack