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October 9th, 2009

And they say that sex tapers off after marriage. 9 out of 10 female "Letterman" staffers disagree!

The bad news: A CBS staff member tried to extort millions of dollars from David Letterman. The good news: Dave is now the frontrunner for the annual "Bill Clinton Award."

Dave says it's true: several of the female staff workers under him actually were... under him.

I don't know about you, but from now on, I'm going to take notice when a job applicant has "David Letterman Staff member" on their resume'.

David Letterman has admitted that he has had sex with numerous female staff members. Of course, the next step for Dave is announcing that he's going to run for president so he can drop out.

I guess I'm going to have to start finding things out about Rio de Janeiro. For starters: I wonder what the "d" stands for?

John Cusack stars in a movie about "2012," the year that the Mayan calendar predicts the world will end. Hopefully, AFTER the summer Olympics.

Apparently in the film, the world's about to end when President and Mrs. Obama, along with Oprah, fly in and rescue it.

It looks like the end of the line for Saturn cars. Very likely now they'll go the way of Uranus.

Chicago was eliminated as a possible site for the 2016 Summer Olympics. In a bizarre coincidence, the Chicago Cubs were eliminated from baseball's post-season, also through 2016.

The Obamas celebrated their first wedding anniversary in the White House last weekend. This was their 17th anniversary, which, by the way, is the "furniture" anniversary. They gave each other his and her recliners, so they could both watch the 2016 Summer Olympics at home.

Michael Moore's anti-capitalism movie only earned $5-million opening weekend. Michael, there's a call for you from the Department of Irony...

David Letterman is back on the air again, after his on-air confession. Dave tapes his five nights of shows over four days, which means on Thursdays, he does two girls.

Mrs. Butterworth's real first name? The pancake syrup company has announced that it's... ... Joy. At least that's what she went by in her only movie, "Pigs in a Blanket."

Arab states are having private discussions with China, Russia and France to stop using the US currency for oil trading. Then I'm sure that those same states won't mind NOT getting any of our worthless financial aid.

Olympic organizers have announced that the 2016 summer games will be held in Rio de Janeiro. One other announcement: instead of handing out medals, winning athletes will receive gold, silver and bronze beads!

Trying to turn a negative into a positive, CBS announced a new show today: "Dancing with David Letterman's Former Girls"!

Tonight on the Late Show, David Letterman offers an apology for apologizing so much on the show lately.

If you really like planning ahead, the next "Idol Gives Back" will be April 21st. First I want them to confess and tell me what they took.

With all the publicity that Letterman is getting out of this sex scandal, my left hand is threatening to write a tell-all book.

Lindsay Lohan's dad is claiming that his daughter is addicted to prescription drugs. Lindsay's response: "He's a cocka-doodle sponge with a fluffy blanket on top."

Heidi Klum says she's going to take the last name of her husband, Seal, which I find strange because HE doesn't even use it.

It turns out that Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is actually part Jewish and that his family changed their name. In his defense, his real name was Ben Stein and that was already taken.

A Saudi Arabian court sentenced a man to five years in prison and 1,000 lashes for talking about sex on television.  Scratch that country off the David Letter vacation list.

Mariah Carey says that every now and then, she likes to wear her husband's clothes so she can trick people into thinking she's a man.  A very feminine, diva-like manů.but a man, none the less.

The government has erected a statue of Helen Keller in the Capitol Building. If only she was around to see itů..

Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's grand-daughter has agreed to pose nude for Playgirl.  Now she'll be able to see even more from her front porch.

I wonder what inspired him want to go all rogue like that?

Gee, if South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford had just waited a few months, he could have said he was going down to South America for something having to do with the Olympics.

TOP FIVE NICKNAMES FOR DAVID LETTERMAN'S SECRET BEDROOM

   1. "The other home office"
   2. "Our Top Ten Loft"
   3. "The other guest couch"
   4. "The place mom doesn't know about"
   5. "My stupid human tricks stage"

DAVID LETTERMAN'S TOP FIVE PICKUP LINES

   1. "I'd like to introduce you to my staff"
   2. "Let me show you the home office"
   3. "This is the Ed Sullivan Theater... and this is my really big shoo"
   4. "Have I got a stupid pet trick for you!"
   5. "You're new on the staff. Have you and I slept together before?"

                                               LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?        
               
                                               Tim

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