This Week's Wacks
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December 11th, 2009
Police in Texas have seized a batch of Ecstasy pills shaped like President Obama. They also found some Melatonin tablets that looked like Joe Biden.
Well, when it comes to the 12 days of Christmas for Tiger Woods, we now know at least who three of the days were with.
A new study ranked the people in Minneapolis as the smartest people in the U.S. Obviously, driving to the middle of a frozen lake in the dead of winter, sawing a hole in the ice and fishing is a sign of high intelligence.
The latest job numbers have our country's unemployment down to just 10%. That's like, "We burned the pizza, but only on the bottom."
Good news about the national Christmas tree. The 40-foot Colorado Blue Spruce is decorated with highly-efficient, energy efficient lights. Wow, just think of how much good we could do for the environment if we cut down 100 more trees and used those lights!
Not mine, but going around: Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract for her own set of drivers. Their motto: "Clubs you can beat Tiger with."
Another woman has come forward, claiming to have been one of Tiger Woods' girls. Or as his wife puts it, he's at 11-over.
Singer George Michael told a magazine in an interview: 'All I really need is music, sex and TV'. I feel the same way, although if I had to, I could give up the music.
In Philadelphia, a man dressed up as Santa Claus robbed a bank. Police described the man as "jolly and dangerous."
Once arrested, the man could face charges of "felony naughty."
After 50 years of hearing it all, Britain has pulled the plug on their UFO hotline. Our leader, Gelblorb, will be pleased.
Virgin Atlantic has unveiled "Spaceship Two," the first spaceship for commercial travel. Hard to believe that, within just a few short years, my luggage could end up on Venus.
The latest on the Tiger Woods ordeal: an 11th woman has stepped forward, his mother-in-law has moved in and his attorney has bought a new Ferrari.
Apparently, the "12 days of Christmas" had an entirely different meaning at Tiger's house.
A woman was taken by ambulance from Tiger Woods' house, treated and released. The leading theory is that Tiger's wife was taking a swing at him, missed and accidentally hit the woman.
The Home Depot is going to start carrying Martha Stewart paint. A high quality paint, they claim it can easily cover a 10X10X8 prison cell in just one coat.
Last week, the man who wrote the song, the "Hokey Pokey," passed away at the age of 104. He hadn't been doing well for quite a while. He'd have one foot in the grave... then he'd take it out... and shake it all about...
Scientists say that a giant iceberg is on a collision course with Australia. Australians immediately began construction on the world's largest ice chest and have begun filling it with beer.
Tiger Woods' mother-in-law had to be rushed to the hospital the other night. Tiger says his wife had to smash the windows out of three of his imported sports cars in order to find the phone so she could call 9-1-1.
Breaking news: Santa Claus crashed his sleigh after hitting the North Pole and a Christmas tree. Santa says that Mrs. Claus rescued him by smashing Santa's ringing cell phone with a golf club.
I guess I have been naughty this year. Santa just rejected me as a Facebook friend.
I look at all that snow in the Midwest. They want to get rid of it. The oil-rich Middle East countries would LOVE to have the water. We'll be in control again when we can figure out how to sell them that snow for $80 a barrel.
President Obama is telling Republicans to stop spreading fear among the American people. Republicans counter that the country is so much in debt, most Americans can't afford fear.
A new study says an ingredient in beer may actually help prevent prostate cancer. God bless science.
Chicago is buried in snow. Oprah apparently wanted a white Christmas and what's God going to do, say no to Oprah?
TOP FIVE DIRTY TRICKS THE ELVES PLAY ON SANTA
1. The night before Christmas, they feed the reindeer radishes
2. The old "whoopee cushion in the sleigh" trick
3. Leaving Tiger Woods impressions on Mrs. Claus's voice mail
4. Putting tobacco in his pipe
5. Putting Nair in his beard wash
TOP FIVE COMMON PHRASES THAT SNOWMEN THINK ARE DIRTY
1. Snow Globes
2. Snow balls
3. Snow job
4. Snow boards
5. Snow plow
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim
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