This Week's Wacks
The 737th edition!
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December 18th, 2009
In Connecticut, the big story is a cow born in a small farming community that appears to have a white cross on it's forehead. All together now: "Holy cow!"
Tiger Woods took his family out to a U-cut Christmas Tree farm today. Kept his hands on the ax the entire time...
It's so different growing up these days. I overheard some neighborhood kids chanting, "eeney-meeney-miney-mo, catch a Tiger by the ho..."
There was one newspaper article that claimed Tiger Woods was getting ready to quit. It didn't say if it was quit golf or girlfriends.
Tara Reid has posed topless for Playboy to show everyone that her botched plastic surgery long ago is behind her. Well, for that and the money.
I've got suspicions about several actresses in Hollywood. Guess I should write to all of them, so they can clear things up.
The Queen of England is having Prince Charles start taking over some of her duties. The prince will start out gradually. His first two official duties is to act embarrassed at the latest family scandal and to perfect saying the phrase, "I'm not amused."
Some day Prince Charles hopes to sit on the throne...not the newspaper-reading kind, I mean the actual throne of England!
Stephen King and his wife are donating money so that 150 soldiers from the Maine Army National Guard can come home for the holidays and be terrorized by a demon elf from hell.
Australian scientists have discovered a species of octopus that is so intelligent, it uses two halves of a coconut shell for shelter. However, it is NOT smart enough to make the matching grass skirt.
Hard to believe it's almost time to start holiday shopping. What, are we a week away?
I don't know what Tiger is getting his wife for Christmas, but I hear she's getting him a coal stove... to go with what Santa's bringing him.
AT&T announced that they're thinking about dropping Tiger Woods as their spokesperson. It's between Tiger and their slogan, "Reach out and touch someone"... but one of them's gotta go.
Then again, if they keep Tiger, they can claim they have more coverage area than Verizon.
The maker of Cocoa Puffs has announced plans to significantly lower the amount of sugar in the cereal. The trick will be bringing that Cuckoo bird down from his 20-year sugar high.
The prime minister of Italy had his lip split and broke several teeth the other day. I had no idea Christmas shopping in Italy was so fierce.
The Obamas said that on Christmas Eve they will leave milk and cookies in the yellow room for Santa as part of the North Pole bailout program.
Construction on a Tiger Woods Golf Course will continue in Dubai, according to a spokesman for the project. However, they are considering changing their advertising slogan: "If you love golf and want to play a round."
I'm beginning to think this whole thing would have been a lot faster if we just had the women who never had sex with Tiger Woods come forward.
Sarah Palin says that the whole global warming thing is a big conspiracy. Of course, you should hear what global warming says about her.
TOP FIVE HARDEST THINGS ABOUT BEING A REINDEER
1. Those reindeer games ARE really hard
2. Can't have beans on Christmas eve
3. TSA always gives you dirty look because of the antlers
4. If I hear that Comet joke one more time...
5. Everyone calls you "Rudolph"
TOP FIVE MOST COMMON MISTAKES OF A MALL SANTA CLAUS
1. Asking kids if their cute mom is single
2. Eating double bean burritos during lunch
3. Being careless with his beard in the mall candle shop (3rd fire this week)
4. Using a whoopee cushion for his belly pillow
5. Taking off beard during break, still sitting in chair
TOP FIVE DRAWBACKS OF LIVING WITH SANTA CLAUS
1. Always has to have his way. Keeps threatening me with "Naughty" list
2. One clothes-sorting mix up and all the laundry comes out red
3. After earthquake, doesn't stop shaking like bowl full of jelly for three days
4. Sleigh and reindeer take up entire driveway
5. Beard hair always clogging up shower drain
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim
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