This Week's Wacks
The 740th edition!
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January 15th, 2010
A man running naked outside the White House was arrested on Wednesday. All we know for sure is that it WASN'T Christopher Dodd, because he announced earlier in the week that he wasn't going to run this year.
The FDA just found an infestation of cockroaches at a facility that makes airplane food. I guess this unfortunately explains the improvement in taste.
Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood got engaged. There were tears and crying and make up running... and she was pretty emotional, too!
There was a 6.5 earthquake in California over the weekend. The only significant damage occurred at NBC, where the 10pm time slot appears to be a complete loss.
The investigation continues into the presence of guns in the Washington Wizards locker room. And to think they went to all that trouble, changing their name from "The Washington Bullets" so they'd have a better image.
Pete Carroll has resigned as the head football coach of USC. Boy, who could have seen THAT one coming? Maybe it would be faster if we asked, "Who didn't?"
Heineken has announced that they're buying the beer maker that brews Dos Equis. A spokesman for Heineken said, "We don't buy breweries all the time, but when we do, it's Dos Equis."
Researchers in New Hampshire say they have come across a small band of people in the woods who have actually not seen Avatar!
Sarah Palin has signed on as a commentator for Fox. In a related story, Tina Fey will now always have work.
AOL is getting ready to lay off 1200 workers. And they do it in a cruel way: it's an e-mail with a voice that says, "You've got a pink slip!"
Retired baseball slugger Mark McGwire has admitted using steroids. In other shocking news, Adam Lambert has confessed he uses makeup.
The first episode of the season of "American Idol" was Tuesday night! To help fans deal with the loss of Paula Abdul, Mariah Carey was brought out to make a couple of speeches.
A new study claims that a fat butt is healthier than a thick waistline. OK, I'll see what I can do.
OK, that's fine... but what if it's hard to figure out where one ends and the other begins?
California is taking a serious look at making marijuana legal... to which Snoop Dogg replied, "It's not already?"
Here's an idea: Let's take all the late night talk show hosts, make 'em walk around chairs, stop the music, then take away another chair until this whole thing is settled.
Regis says things are working out well with his artificial hip. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Regis already artificially hip?
My wife is trying out a baking soda remedy to fight off a cold, where she takes a half-teaspoon in water every two hours. I don't know if she's beating the cold, but you can put her in any room and she'll absorb odors.
Researchers say that obesity in America is still a big problem, but it appears it has leveled off on a larger scale. Oh, I'm sorry. No the report says that most Americans still need a larger scale.
Both Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien are said to be so ticked off at NBC over this whole late night thing, that both are considering walking away from the network. And THAT just makes me think that Jimmy Fallon is behind this whole thing!
NBC announced they are pulling the plug on "The Jay Leno Show" on February 12th, which happens to be Lincoln's birthday. And that's about as close to "honest" as NBC will get.
"60 Minutes" commentator Andy Rooney turned 91 this week. Now when he asks, "Do you know what bothers me?", pretty much any guess will be correct.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING WAY TOO MUCH TV
1. You don't snore at night, you make a test pattern noise
2. You measure everything in diagonal inches
3. When ever you try to sell something, you get louder
4. In the middle of a conversation with your wife, you try to change her to ESPN
5. You try to turn down your kids with the remote control
TOP FIVE REASONS SIMON COWELL IS QUITTING AMERICAN IDOL
1. So he can spend more time with himself
2. It's his big chance for that Washington Redskins coaching job
3. Ellen-a-phobia
4. He's taking the "No Paula" thing WAY too hard
5. It was his New Year's resolution
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim
PS--A little poetry, South Dakota style, in this week's E-Mail of the Week!
PSPS-- It was a grocery store kinda week. Read about it here on my blog
PSPSPS--If you have Facebook, I'm here
PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim on Twitter @timwack