This Week's Wacks
The 742nd edition!
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January 29th, 2010
Mimi Rogers turned 54 this week. To think: at one time she was Mrs. Tom Cruise. Now she's old enough to be the mom of Mrs. Tom Cruise.
Entertainment Weekly has just named "The Jay Leno Show at 10 o'clock" the biggest BOMB in the history of television. Hey, I'd just like to say if we're the bomb... that makes NBC the underpants!"
In Scotland, a man has been banned from a city park after he was caught trying to have sex with a tree. How do you "try" to have sex with a tree? It's not like they're going to say "no."
Oh, I see... the trees were too far apart... and he was hoping for a tree-way.
"Got wood?" "Of course, this happened in the section of the park known as the Tiger Woods." "Oh, you knotty pine!" There, got 'em all out of my system.
In Georgia, a promoter is starting up a "Whites Only" basketball league. Well, at least it's not a threat to the NBA.
Just how much rain did southern California get this past week? Enough that Conan O'Brien left NBC by boat!
Burger King has opened their first restaurant in Russia... although, knowing what they did to the Czar and his family, I'd suggest that the Burger King better not tick anyone off.
Burger King in Russia... that's quite a leap for the country whose official slogan used to be, "Have it our way!"
John Edwards is down in Haiti. So the people of Haiti tried to contact the devil so they could get rid of him: but when they called, John Edwards answered the phone.
I've now redefined my life goal. Now, I hope that -- some day -- I can get a TV network to pay me $32-million to just leave. It can happen...
Experts say that a new message from Osama Bin Laden may contain a hint about a possible upcoming attack. Especially the part about "Pants on the ground... pants on the ground... lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground... "
In the message, Osama Bin Laden said Al Qaeda was going to bring down one of our older monuments. He must have meant Brett Favre! He's been working with the New Orleans defensive line!
"The Advocate" has put out its list of 'the gayest' cities in the U.S... and San Francisco didn't make the top 15. Apparently, San Francisco isn't as gay as it once was. In fact, when the publisher went to give the city the bad news, they said, "Give it to us straight."
So, which is the 'gayest city' in the United States? According to The Advocate, that would be Atlanta. They said the south would rise again.
I could just imagine if "Gone with the Wind" was filmed today. Clark Gable would say, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn" and someone would yell out, "That's SO gay!"
Air France is now charging obese passengers for two seats. What's next? A "child kicking the back of your seat" fee? Wait a minute... I think we're on to something...
So, I stop by Starbucks on the way to work this morning and went to use the restroom before ordering my drink...but there was a keypad on it. The clerk gave me the 5-digit code and I'm thinking to myself, "If I had the capabilities to remember a 5-digit code right now, I wouldn't be at Starbucks!"
President Obama gave his first state of the union address Wednesday night. The good news: over 10% of the U.S. population didn't have to rush home from work to catch it.
Even some Democrats are calling for the firing of Federal Reserve Chief Ben Bernanke. They're waiting for the president to say, "Yes we canned...him!"
There's now a figure of Heidi Klum at Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in Berlin. No, they don't sell copies in the gift store. I checked.
Apple is planning introduced their new tablet computer this week. From what I hear, Steve Jobs will carry two of the tablets down from a mountain top... drop them... then go back and carry down two more. Seems a little too Biblical to me...
A rather unique theme park opened up in London this week: ABBA WORLD! Yep, a park completely focused on the group ABBA. It was designed by the same people who gave us Starland Vocal Band Land.
A German man has been convicted of trying to smuggle 44 rare lizards out of New Zealand by hiding them in his pants. Lookin' like a fool with those lizards in his pants on the ground...
Security guards became suspicious of the man when they all realized he was happy to see them.
Oregon voters have just approved a new measure that would raise taxes on the wealthy. Boy, it's a good thing the wealthy can't move to another state!
John Edwards and his wife have announced they've separated. Boy, who could have seen that one coming?
Verizon has announced more layoffs. You'll notice the guy in their commercials is now saying, "Can you hear just ME now?"
In his State of the Union address, President Obama has asked for a repeal of the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy. Not in the military, but in regards to the question, "How are his economic policies working?"
President Obama was quite stern in his first State of the Union address. He not only criticized the Supreme Court for one of their recent rulings, he also sang a couple of verses of "Pants on the Ground" and dedicated it to John Edwards.
Apple unveiled their new tablet PC this week, the "I-Pad". I can hear the commercials now: "Hey baby, wanna come over to I-Pad?"
Finally, a device you can carry around with you and write down thoughts and ideas. Wait, didn't that use to be called "a notebook"?
TOP FIVE POINTS REPUBLICANS MADE AFTER THE PRESIDENT'S STATE OF THE UNION
1. "We won in Massachusetts! Na, na, na-na, na!"
2. "Sarah Palin! Hey, I said Sarah Palin on national TV. Do I win anything?"
3. The economy is so bad, even late night TV hosts are losing their jobs!
4. Even when the president is right, the president is wrong... unless he's ours! Then he's right!
5. The president is wrong
TOP FIVE OTHER SONGS BY THE GUY WHO SANG "PANTS ON THE GROUND"
1. "Hamper's full and that's no bull"
2. "Underwear is over there"
3. "Shirts on the hanger" (but pants on the ground)
4. "Shorts on the Porch"
5. "Over by the socks"
LAUGH A LITTLE, WOULD YA?
Tim
PS-- More points to ponder this week, political-style, in our E-Mail of the Week!
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