CBS is said to be considering a gay dating service for a possible commercial in the Superbowl. I believe the name of the company is E-Him-'n-me.
The president of Argentina, Cristina Fernandez, said in a speech -- and I quote -- "It is much more gratifying to eat some grilled pork than to take Viagra." She also said, "If your tender loin lasts more than four hours, you should call a doctor."
Ben Bernanke is going to keep his job as Federal Reserve Chairman, even though Jay Leno wanted it.
They've announced what to do about that Toyota gas pedal sticking issue: buy a Nissan instead. Of course, it was Nissan making the announcement.
The Superbowl is this Sunday. I'm not going to remind you again, because every time I say the word 'Superbowl' there's a licensing fee.
Yes, the Superbowl is this Sunday. The game should get underway just after 6 East Coast time... the pre-game show should start any minute...
Tuesday was Groundhog's Day! The day on which we keep a close eye on groundhogs... because if they come out of the ground and see their shadows, it means six more mistresses will come forward against Tiger Woods. It's probably payback for all those times he got hit in the head with a golf ball...
A new study claims that taking fish oil may help people prone to psychotic disorders. The study was done by scientists from Austria and Australia, just to foster confusion further...
Whoa to the husband that tells his wife that on Southwest Airlines, "Bags fly free...and so we only have to pay for me!"
Osama bin Laden has released another tape this week. If you're curious, it won't come out on Blu-ray until next week.
A new survey shows that 73% of Americans are using their bank password for every time they need a password. Just remember, I had dibs on ABC123...
Researchers in Philadelphia say they have discovered what appears to be a first draft of the U.S. Constitution. Like, before the spell check. It started out with "Us, the people... . "
There was also that line Ben Franklin wanted in: "The pursuit of life, liberty and Betsy Ross."
15 people have been charged with a radio station contest scam in Seattle, where a promotions coordinator tipped off friends so they could call in and win $1,000. The station became suspicious when one day, a day said, "OK, this hour's winning name is... oh, wait, they're already on the phone!"
By the way, I'd just like to go on record in saying that I think things like this are fundamentally and morally wrong...unless, of course, you get away with it.
President Obama says he doesn't want to get rid of the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy. He just wants to move it from the military over to the budget office.
Voters in Switzerland will decide next month if animals should have the right to be represented by lawyers in court. I know a Tiger that could sure use one...
The Israeli army is planning to give its soldiers special new socks that can be worn for two weeks straight without smelling. As you know, the toughest part about being in a battle is the smell of your opponents' socks.
Iran successfully launched a 10-foot-long research rocket carrying a mouse, two turtles and worms into space. The happiest about it: the mouse, the worms and the turtles.
I guess that gives them the lead towards putting the first zoo on the moon.
The president of Toyota got behind the wheel of a Camry today to demonstrate how safe it really was. As he drove off, he told reporters, (scream) "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW".
Question: Do you think it's too early to put up my Easter lights? Maybe I should wait until after Valentine's Day.
TOP FIVE THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO FORGET AT YOUR SUPER BOWL PARTY
1. The TV
2. Taking a shot every time you hear the phrase, "Hoo Dat!"
3. Covering up the expiration on the chips you're digging out from last year's party
4. Setting up that toll gate at the restroom door
5. Calling your seat when you get up to go to the restroom
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR TEAM ISN'T EXPECTED TO DO WELL IN THE SUPER BOWL
1. The new team flag is all white
2. Your team's cheerleaders cheering for other side
3. President Obama has already made congratulations call to the other team
4. Las Vegas odds of your team winning the Superbowl listed as "ha-ha"
5. Team mascot wearing disguise, hoping no one will recognize him