This Week's Wacks

The 744th edition!

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February 12th, 2010

Americans are overweight because we're so obsessed with food. I don't remember if I heard that on the Food Channel or the Dessert Network.

Monday is Presidents' Day…a day we set aside each year to honor our American presidents by walking out to the mailbox and checking it for no reason at all.

The President of Toyota has apologized for all those recalls. At least, that's what we think he said as he yelled out his window. He drove by so fast!

That giant snowstorm that hit Washington, DC over the weekend has forced the Obama administration to switch... from giving bailouts, to shovel-outs.

That giant snowstorm was so bad, today's congressional hearings on global warming have been canceled.

OK, I watched most of the pre-game show, the Superbowl itself and the post-game show. Can someone help pry this couch off of me?

Scientist say that it IS physically possible to be bored to death. THAT'S why we had you sign that disclaimer on your way on...

I knew it was going to happen. During the Superbowl halftime show, my parents asked the question, "Who are the Who?" I told 'em, it's the group that records all those CBS show TV theme songs.

An expedition has recovered five cases of 100-year-old Scotch left behind at the South Pole by explorer Ernest Shackleton. God bless them.

I'm worried. Now I'M starting to feel a little like Betty White.

The New Orleans Saints are the NFL's Superbowl Champs. In the second half, they were just like a Toyota---couldn't stop 'em!

Iran's Supreme Leader said in a speech this week that on February 11th -- that would be this Thursday -- that Iran will "deliver a punch" that will stun the world. My guess is that it's a cranberry/7-up punch with a scoop of vanilla.

Charlie Sheen is in court in Aspen, Colorado, fighting those domestic abuse charges from Christmas Day. The star of 2-1/2 Men is facing up to 3-1/2 years.

Good news for Toyota: they've actually gone an entire day without announcing a new recall!

Whoops, spoke too soon. As they say at Toyota, "Them's the brakes!"

People on the streets of New Orleans, dancing, drinking, being, how are we supposed to tell if they're celebrating the Superbowl or if it's just another day?

Starting May 1st, American Airlines is going to start charging $8 for a pillow and a blanket during your flight. I'll still waiting for them to make the restrooms "Pay as you go."

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will run the Olympic torch through a stretch of Vancouver's Stanley Park on Friday, opening day of the Olympics. I don't know, I can't see him as a running man... oh, wait: I saw the movie!

Sarah Palin is being criticized for writing notes on her hand when she makes a speech. If politicians used their hands more often, think of all the trouble they could avoid. For example, John Edwards.

I need to quit gambling. I had, what I thought was a sure bet on Superbowl Sunday. How was I to know Abe Vigoda would actually get sacked?

Sure, the New Orleans Saints won the game, but I have a feeling this year's game is going to be remembered as the "Betty White Superbowl."

The big snowstorm continues back on the east coast.  They say that some of the snow is piled so high, it can actually stop a Toyota!

What a complicated world in which we live.  OK, today is President Lincoln's birthday.  It used to be a federal holiday.  But then some wise guy suggested we should combine Lincoln and Washington's birthdays, into one holiday.  And, to make sure no one gets offended, we'll make it for ALL of the presidents.  So, if Lincoln's birthday was still a holiday, we would have gotten a three-day weekend. But it's not, so we're back to two.  But wait, Presidents' Day this year falls on this coming Monday, so now we DO get a three-day weekend this weekend.   And THAT, ladies and gentlemen is your federal government at work.

Yeah, for the younger crowd, Lincoln's birthday and Washington's birthday BOTH used to be federal holidays.  But now they're being penalized…like when you birthday falls near Christmas.  We're all getting one of those "combo" days off.


   1. A refrigerator magnet that says, "Bring him a beer!"
   2. A Cupid oil-change kit
   3. A Miller Beer thong
   4. A dozen rose-scented pizza rolls
   5. A Bud Light teddy
      (and let me just add, I'll never buy any of those items AGAIN)

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU MAY BE TOO STRESSED (this was SO easy to write)

   1. You can hear the paper in the paper-shredder screaming
   2. You asked to chew a co-worker's fingernails
   3. You just smoked a hot dog (and it wasn't bad)
   4. Your pencil has broken 43 times this morning
   5. You like that your dog is staring at you

PS-- Deep thoughts a plenty in our E-Mail of the Week!
PSPS-- I returned to the land of Oz this week. Details here on my blog
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PSPSPSPS---Follow Tim on Twitter @timwack