Well, that was kind of a weird weekend--President's Day AND Valentine's Day. We haven't had something like that since the Clinton days....
Former President Bill Clinton had to have emergency heart surgery late last week. It was scary stuff, but Bill tends to look at the positive side: Yep -- nurses!
Bill Clinton is said to be resting comfortably after his emergency heart procedure yesterday. Oh wait--he's just taken a turn for the nurse!
Former President Clinton is resting at home with his wife Hillary after an emergency heart procedure late last week. Can you believe that? He's at home with Hillary?
When Rush Limbaugh heard about what happened to Bill Clinton, he immediately ordered something delivered to him: a dozen beautiful double-bacon cheeseburgers.
Hillary Clinton is asking her husband to start referring to his surgery last week as a angioplasty procedure...and stop bragging to friends that he got "a valve job".
Jon Gosselin's ex-girlfriend, Hailey Glassman is describing body parts in the new issue of "Steppin' Out." Let's just say it doesn't take her long.
I just have this feeling like I'm forgetting something. Is Valentine's Day coming up?
I tell ya, Sarah Palin is showing up everywhere these days. Yesterday, I saw her on the Food Channel on a new show, called "Going Roquefort".
I had this terrifying dream last night. I dreamt I was driving a Toyota down the Vancouver luge track.
The American figure skaters have figured out a way to get better scores out of the judges at the Olympics. They're going to wear maple leaves.
A new study found that the Reebok Classic is the most popular shoe worn by burglars. That would explain Reebok's new slogan, "Just steal it!"
On thing about taking Monday off for Presidents' Day -- it did make me postpone asking the question, "Is it Friday yet?" until Tuesday.
Osama bin Laden's #2 guy has been captured in Afghanistan. He had a tough job: he was in charge of going out and actually finding videotapes to record on.
Democratic Senator Frank Lautenberg of New Jersey fell at his home Monday night. Olympic judges say that he could still make up for it in the final program.
Director Kevin Smith is now suing the folks behind Mardi Gras because they say his Tuesday is too fat.
Seriously, does Mardi Gras make my Tuesday look fat?
New statistics show that violent crime is on the increase in Seattle. Let me just say I'm certain the caffeine has nothing to do with it!
Probably due to those "decaf folks" or those really edgy "quitters."
From my brother-in-yuks, Skip Tucker: There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
Thanks for NOT making our show the thing you're giving up for Lent.
What's with this Xfinity thing from Comcast? Seems kinda Xstupid.
Tough week for director Kevin Smith. He was told in New Orleans that he was too fat for Fat Tuesday.
Oregon's "pregnant man", Thomas Beatie, has given birth to a baby girl. Well, it's a girl for now.
The governor of Washington is looking at a bunch of new taxes to help the state get out of its budget shortfall. What most people are upset about is the "Complaining about the new taxes tax". It seems a little redundant.
TOP FIVE THINGS THAT HAVE GONE WRONG AT THE VANCOUVER WINTER OLYMPICS
1. Johnny Weir's fur got mad at his score and attacked an Olympic judge
2. One country misread entry and accidentally sent a Lugie team
3. Who knew there could be trouble with a Toyota Zamboni?
4. Gold medals turned out to be foil-wrapped chocolate
5. The swimming pool froze over (oh that's right... it's a SUMMER event!)
SIGNS YOUR FAVORITE OLYMPIC ATHLETE MAY HAVE USED PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING DRUGS
1. The muscles, the beard, the mustache... and you should see her mother!
2. Barry Bonds is her trainer
3. Rotates the tires on their car by hand
4. Wait a minute: how could he finish first, second AND third?
5. Considers going down the luge on a sled for wussies